Bipolar

I'm having bipolar. Nothing is going to change the diagnosis or fact that I'm now suffering from a psychiatric illness which I lost control of my own emotions. 1% of general population are bipolar and I'm one of the highly selected 1%. How lucky I'm.

Everything seemed so clear that why was I behaving like a mad man when involving in any relationship. Because, simply because, I'm a mad man. The madness is in my gene, in my brain, lies within the imbalance of neurotransmitters. I lost the one I love simply because the neurotransmitters are screwing with me. How pathetic I'm. It is so clear that a bipolar person is not suitable to involve in any relationship with anyone. Things will go hay wire once I'm lossing control on my emotions ... my ability to control my own emotion is so fragile and uncontrolable.

Maybe one day, I'll realise the fact that people and things around me are not gone, but they just never exist. That is the time when my illness has progress to schizophrenia. I start hearing voices, talking to myself, becoming paranoid of people might talking about me. I will find myself confined in a place which I'm convinced that it is a military facility but in fact, it is an asylum. I'm mixing with mad people everyday, confusing with reality and hallucination. I'll die by killing myself, probably because I'm convinced by voices I hear.

I'm now nobody but a mad man.

我可以死吗？

我好想你...突然，就是那么措手不及地被寂寞杀得片甲不留，然后承认自己还是很想你。
习惯了想念你的心情，习惯了爱着你的情绪...
那种酸酸的感觉，又偶尔为了一首歌深深地刺到心里，完全控制不了，
这就爱着你的感觉。
不知道何时只是会想你想到掉泪，
也不能预测下一首听到的歌会让我想拿起刀往自己身上割的冲动...

看着血从一道道的伤口顺势流下，
希望和你的回忆跟着那些令人厌倦的血一起离开我的身体，离开我的人生。
但每一道新的伤口流下的都是鲜红的血，
每一次想把你忘记却每一次都是从重新开始学习把你忘记...
每次都是在被你抛弃的起点开始学习...我永远都只能原地踏步...
失恋难道是一种开始，也是结束吗？
被抛弃的人永远注定离不开失恋的起点吗？
为什么没有一道伤口可以流下血后就可以忘记你一点点呢？

看着在你身边的他比我更爱你，
我恨我自己为什么和他都爱上同一个你？
恨我自己为什么快两年了我还是那么的爱你？

想着考个烂成绩让我有离开医学院的理由，
却被天作弄...我怎么可能考到3.49的成绩？
一个完全不温习功课，考试前一天打半天电动，睡了半天觉的人，
怎么可以考到3.49？！
为什么我只是想要个离开这里的理由也不能？
为什么命运总是那么得作弄我？！

我只是想忘了你...为什么那么困难？！
那种突然想起你的痛苦，什么时候才能结束？
在医学院里，我已经自我隔离，就是为了不想听到你的消息，
为什么我只是想一个人看电影都会看到你和他出街拍拖的出现在我眼前？

两年来，我以为再多三年，我们就可以从头来过...
没想到就这么崩溃了...
我真的崩溃了。
我可以死吗？

我真的那么令我自己都害怕吗？

我是用还在颤抖的手在键盘上打下这篇文章。
我到现在还不敢相信30分钟前我干下的事...

这件事开始于我在Facebook发现有位coursemate的shouout:
"I passed the exam!"
下了一跳！难道考试成绩出了？！
第一个念头就是发sms问一问...
结果，很不幸得，果真如我所料。

在只剩我一人的空荡荡apartment里走来走去，坐立不安...
时间已经是晚上2330了。
我突然念头一闪，换了衣服，拿了钥匙和学生证就往门外走。
对了！我就是要到campus看成绩！

Campus的距离离我的住处只有5分钟的行走距离。
了解我的人都知道我是的没耐心的人。
若等到明天再到campus，我今晚一定是睡不着的。
不管成绩如何，好歹也让我今晚或安心或伤心地入睡吧！

问题就是campus在2000时后就不再让人进入。
要知道这里国大医学院的academic office还是传统地把牺牲树木把成绩登在布告栏纸上。
上网我都试过了，结果是（意料中网站画面）masalah sistem无法查询。
所以，夜闯campus并不能完全是我的错咯！

一面走在暗昏昏的街上，我就一面让自己呼吸急促，
心跳加速...
加快速度让自己流多点汗...
到了campus的 guard house，我出示我的学生证，
一副焦虑的样子，说：
saya nak masuk dalam cari dompet saya yang hilang

不用费多少功夫，自以为自己高高在上的guard很容易的就相信了。
（这就是典型UKM guards）
他用对讲机说了一些话后就让我一人在空无一人的campus里“找我遗失的钱包”。
有时候，最烂的借口也许就是最好的借口。
再加上我那天衣无缝的演技....
我果然是犯罪的料啊！

我用随身带的handtorch照亮前路在漆黑黑的Block E里找到我要的布告栏。
这并不是一件简单的事，因为全Block E 里有三个布告栏在不同的两曾楼。
而且要避开随时巡查的警卫。
（因为我应该在“遗失钱包的图书馆locker"找着）
这可不是简单的任务啊！

犯罪天才的我找到了我夜闯UKM campus的目的...呼了口气...
我还是及格了。
我不敢相信...我看了三次然后匆匆转身就走。
我离开那布告栏2米后，我再转身看了布告栏，
看了三次后才决定我的眼睛没问题后，
才转身匆匆一副赶到图书馆前（两栋建筑物的距离）的样子。
还好到这时候才碰到警卫。
他那关心的样子让我觉得...
唉~如果我真的是个小偷的话，实验室里的东西就完蛋了。

最后我装着一副快哭出来的样子到 guard house 拿回我的学生证，
那个自以为很了不起的 guard 还劝不懂处理状况的我到警察局报案。（当老子白痴啊！）
只好对道德说对不起啦！
我对这里的警卫本来就没有好感...
尤其上次出纸罚我50块的那只。（因为我没把学生证套在颈上）

说起来我为什么那么在意这次的成绩...
因为我在温习周里颓废崩溃了一个星期。（50%的温习周时间）
每次进考场前我都在忧郁地听着耳机，
甚至在考 urinary system 的前一天到 Time Square 的 Arcade drift 到过瘾了一个下午，
回到房间后随手翻了Anatomy 20分钟就躺在床上死到第二天的天亮
-- 我可是睡了12个小时哦！
在我考一张我之前完全没有温习过的 paper 前...
更屌的是我在考试时间结束的25分钟前就离开考场了。

我真的只用了20%的力气来考这次的final，
我及格了...?!
这是什么道理啊？！

说真的，我对自己的能力感到....
害怕？
不管是我在学业上的能力，还是我那与天俱来的犯罪智慧。

我真的那么令我自己都害怕吗？

一个人生活

这个假期很快就要结束了。
我故意迟了几天回家，
也特意找个借口提早回宿舍。
因为，我已经了解到这个世界天大地大，
不会再有我快乐的地方。

越早了解没有所谓快乐之地的存在，
就越早放弃追寻不存在的梦想，
也越早专注在应该的学业上。

就像 Band of Brothers 里头的一句对白:
"the sooner you accept the fact that you're dead,
the better you can function as a soilder"

不会再有人了解我，
就连家庭我都不奢望了。
于是，我决定把我的心从此封闭起来，
不会再为任何人打开。

而这里就是我唯一倾诉的地方。
如果有任何人发现这个Blog 的存在，
你会发现到这里的 comment 从上个post起都不会开放的。
我只想写写东西，不想得到其他人的回应。
如果你（们）觉得我值得同情，谢了，但请不要再同情我！

从今天开始，我要一个人活下去。
会有困难，我是知道的。
所有过去的一切把我逼到这里，
我没得选。

我会一个人活下去。

写道这里，我想起了一首老歌：《一个人生活》。
这首歌是我在 Matrix 的时候，那里的一个朋友用我的电脑下载的。
我起初不相信怎么好听，
一听之下便不能自己....我爱上了这首歌。
至今还是爱着...

歌词是这样的：

叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱

你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞

我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
感觉如果要走谁能说 no
我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情怎么会是这个结果
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

每当我伤心难过时，
我就会用 Window media player 用 repeat 模式一直播放着一整晚，
听着听着....我就慢慢睡了。

我会一个人生活的。

我不想活了

我不想活了。
但是，我却被逼每天醒来发现自己还有心跳的活着，
我真的很不快乐。

不快乐的原因？
我不知道。
就只是厌倦了这个世界...
讨厌面对人类的笑脸，
讨厌全世界都在为谎言的美好明天在过日子....

为什么？！为什么我要生存在这个世界？！
为什么把一个不想活下去的灵魂，
硬生生地放进这个身躯？
这个身躯的头脑应该得到一个更好的灵魂。
为什么把我这个人不像人，鬼不像鬼的灵魂放进这个身躯？

这世界上已经没有我能够生存下去的事物了...
以为靠着回忆就能够渡过每一天，
却发现现在的朋友和回忆里的知己完全相反。
我很想欺骗自己当年的兄弟至今都还会是兄弟...
但，一切都是事与愿违。
每个人到了新的地方终会找到新的朋友；
而我却办不到。
因为我被他妈的命运安排到一个充满我讨厌的人的地方！
在这个该死的医学院怎么找到朋友？！
往日的朋友却一个个离我远去...
结果现在的我一个朋友都没有。

家人？
我还有什么家人？！
母亲一点都不了解我。
整天叫我别那么讨厌这个世界...
她到底懂些什么？！
父亲？我当初没用把刀把他干掉算他走运！
我根本不想要这样没用的父亲。

爱情？
我还被伤的不够深吗？

谁能告诉我，这个世界还有什么好眷恋的东西？！

如果我看不到明天的日升，
就把这当作我的遗书。

注定

一直追寻生命的色彩那么多年，
我现在才知道生命的颜色一早已经注定的了。
最近，我都一直在思考“注定”这件事，
唯一说的过去的就只有佛学的“因果伦”了。
人总是有很多放不下的理由，
我却只有一个放下的理由：注定。

再多的继续奋斗的理由，什么发奋图强的狗屁，
全都还是不相信的“注定”这门事儿。
人们一直都说什么“天生注定”是不存在的，
却从来没有一个真正能否否定“注定”的理论。
或许，不相信注定的人或说出一些历史人物如何不信命运的奋斗，
结果都创出轰轰烈烈的成绩。
那么，我想问的是：如果他们的奋斗也是天生注定的呢？

如果一个人奋斗与否，都已经是天生注定，这是件很恐怖的事情。
如果要追溯天生注定的最终原因，是找不到结果的。
唯一的解释就是“因果”。
Cause and effect。
简单的一个道理，原来可以否定一个人奋斗的理由。

这样的想法或许很灰，
但，如果事实是灰的，不管你多么欺骗自己那是美好的颜色，
你始终都要接受灰色的事实。

这样解释生命中发生的一切，我觉得很满意。
因为，我需要一个她离开我的原因。
她从来没有告诉过我，我却可以这样找到答案，我别无所求了。

所以，这一次的大考，我都只让我的感觉带领我走。
我不怎么准备，就去考试了。
就连平常的西装，我连领带都懒得打，衣角就让它在裤外...
就这样到考场...而且每次都是最后才进场。
那么在考场外，我都在做什么呢？
我用新买的CREATIVE耳机，听着悲伤的旋律，
远远地望着不再属于我的她...
让自己沉淀在蓝色的忧郁中。

说真的，我享受在悲伤里的生活，
我不想掩饰。
很多爱情故事里失恋的男孩，最终都回有个爱他的女孩出现。
我的呢？
自从告诉自己天生注定的命运后，我变得不在乎。

至于我在这里的生活一个朋友都没有，
我觉得很自在。
因为我不需要带着面具和人相处，
我不用担心朋友会揭开我的旧疤。
我不需要撒谎自己的考试准备...
我觉得这样才是我要的人生。

为了测试自己是否走上自己要的人生，
我在考试的最后一张paper时，我在考试时间结束前就走出来了。
充分利用考试的每一个时间--他妈的狗屁！
在所有人的异样眼光下，我穿这最爱的黑色外套大摇大摆地推开玻璃门走出束缚的考场，
深深地吸了一口我自己人生的空气...

这一次，就算被困在这里，
我找到活着自己要的人生的方式了。

Wisdom in one night

Bhaddekaratte (Pali wisdom in one night). That's the name my master gave me when I was a novice. It was originally the name from a sutta, with a quote like this:

You shall not chase after the past or place expectation on the future
The past is left behind
The future is as yet unreached
Whatever present, you clearly see
right there, right there
Not taken in, unshaken

It is an idea which develop from the Buddha's teaching: nonself. There is no self, or there's no me. The self didn't exists. With no self, there's no feeling, no future, no past. I'm just a coumpound of chemical compositions, using the eyes of this body to look things in presence. There's no neceesary to distinguish who is me among people around me. Because whatever I do, I'll die one day.

This is a little hard to digest for me at first. But, recently, recovering from my massive depression attack, I seem to appreciate this more...give up or not give up. I don't have to decide. Because everything is determined by kamma...I just have to observe what I'm doing right now, without myu minds thinking of competing or passing exams...just be mindfull.

放弃

放弃，真的放下成为the person后，真的轻松很多。
跟着自己的脚步读剩下的书，
反正读完读不完就这是这样了，
成王为寇一早是注定的，
再强求也没用。

无聊时就跑到GSC看场电影，笑一场；
闷到发狂时就在部落格写写文字。
我没有情人，没有朋友，
一个人有点孤单，但真的觉得很轻松。
人生不需要快乐，轻轻松松作回自己就好。
听听歌，幻想一切的如果...
原来放弃，真的可以潇洒得很快乐。

不再想和任何人争，
就算得到天下第一又能怎样？
平常心面对一切，真的很轻松。
周遭的人都不分昼夜地读书，
我时间一到就看戏，
看到累了就睡觉。
这才叫生活嘛！

人生活到几年算短，考试只有更短。
短短几十年的人生，如果每天都在想着成为第一，很累的。
有人说，只要付出过，就算得不到，而此生无悔。
我付出过吗？
是的，我付出过很多，也得不到很很多。
如果不再有欲望，真的很轻松。

我放弃了。
既然命运安排我在这里读医生，就让它船到桥头自然直吧！
我今生既不会再有朋友，亦不会再有对手，也不会再有情人。
了然一生，潇潇洒洒走一回吧！

说好的幸福呢

爱上不该爱的人，
我真的痛了。
爱上她时，我不懂自己爱的多深；
原来爱的深浅是当爱过后的痛来了解的...
我真的深深的懂了...当我痛到不能自己的这一刻，
我懂一个男人一旦不顾后果的爱上一女人，
哭得时候会比女人还惨。

不懂是周杰伦了解我，
还是方文山太懂我，
《说好的幸福呢》完完全全是我的爱情写照。

爱一个换一个，
我曾经爱得那么潇洒，
没想到我也会有这么的一天。

痛...真的真的很痛。
我不懂谁能拯救我。
抗忧郁药换了两次，
心理医生看了三个，
也医不好一次爱一个人的那一种痛。

一年半来辛辛苦苦告诉自己为什么要当医生，
只需要一首4分钟17秒的歌来否认一切。

用心理学角度，
我现在的感觉完全是self-fulling prophercy；
用药剂学的角度，
只要我服用SSRI就能不再犹豫...
为什么我还是那么的痛呢？

怎么呢？你累了。
说好的幸福呢？

你不等了，说好的幸福呢？

我每天都因为要让你看见我地努力着，
一个人背负着做一般的梦继续向说好的幸福的方向攀爬...
一起要当医生，一起浪迹天涯行医...
剩我一人...
让时间经过，错过你的时间慢慢的累积，
我痛苦的过着每一天...
我都忍，干了的泪流了又流...
手上的伤一道道的流着血，
结疤后又割...要提醒自己这种痛。

我会继续作个医生，
而且是很厉害的那个，
人人羡慕的那个，
就连你都很难不注意我的那个...

我会一个人站在我们曾说好的幸福终点站，
然后，我会问你：说好的幸福呢？

屌的背后

每当天空洒下这寂寞的颜色，

把这个水泥森林都笼罩在孤独的空气里，

代表我想你又过了一天，

也代表我和你分手多了一天，

更代表你给我的痛在我心里又深了一寸；

但，欣慰的是，你想着另一个他又过了一天，

也意味着我距离死心靠近了一点，

不再想你的死亡之日也接近了一天。

时间一秒一秒地过去，

回忆一幕一幕的消失，

爱情一分一分地蒸发，

伤痛一寸一寸的累积；

当所有事情都从分手那天开始失控地变化着，

唯一不变的是我们的距离。

我不懂如何描述我们的距离。

明明你和我在一个擦肩的距离，

我的手却怎么都我不到你的手。

有人说失恋会慢慢习惯的。

真的吗？

我怎么都不能习惯眼泪替代你亲吻我的脸，

我打死都不能习惯空气取代你吻着我的唇，

我到死都不能习惯大雨去换你拥抱我的人...

我不能习惯...我不能!

看回自己在这个blog不断欺骗自己没有你坚强活下去的谎言，

我到底在欺骗着谁？

我可以以冷酷的外表欺骗全世界，

我可以用超屌的个性让自己和全世界隔离，

我就是不可以再次欺骗自己不可能再“携子之手，与子偕老”。

看着自己洋洋的用英文告诉自己多么的特别，多么的坚强...

解下这个不属于我的战甲，我只是一个被女生抛弃的男生。

我不懂自己在这个医学的战场在干什么。

我不懂谁是我的敌人，不懂该砍谁；

我只管挥剑砍死周围的所有人，

让和我无缘无仇的血溅在我那虚假的战甲，

让我的背后不断被讨厌的小人攻击，

我只想把这战场上的所有人打败，

不是因为我想成为医生，

只是我要到最后让你看见只有最强的我活着。

尸遍满野的战场上，我是最后活着的。

到了那时候，你是否就会注意到我呢？

屌

要怎么形容黄之浩呢？
国大医学院里，最特别的人非他莫属。
一开始的第一学年，很少人见过他 -- 因为他从来不上讲堂的课。
正因为越少人见过他，他越出名。
有人说过他是医学院的高手之一，却没有人正确地知道他的成绩。
如果他在校园里出现时，见到他不用惊讶。
经常戴着一幅黑眼镜，脸上不带一丝笑容，独来独往地穿梭在医学院生里。
长得不怎么帅，却叫人很难忽略他的存在。
如果你有机会仔细地看着他的右手臂，你会看见几道你很难忘记的刀疤。
据宿舍里的男生说，他的右上臂有更多的刀疤，似乎是他自己割上去的。
正因为手上的刀疤的关系，黄之浩的黑色S&K外套也成了他的象征之一。

2008年的2月，黄之浩很突然的，却没多少人发现的，每天出现在讲堂里。
每天一早，他就出现在讲堂里，一个人地坐在最高的一排座椅，听着耳机一面翻着厚厚的课本。
有时候，他的听课专著程度真的让人惊讶；
也有时候，他的书本打开在桌上，人却不见了，直到教授快废完时，他就会变回在座位上收拾东西，准备离开。
黄之浩这样的转变，成为了医学院里一时轰动的话题。
有人说，他准备追求医学院里的另一个女生；
也有人说，他忘不了他的前女友--静芬，也是本医学院之一的学生。

说到黄之浩有这么的一个前女友，就不得不提他曾经为后者自杀的那么一件事。
据知情人透露，浩曾经在matriculation时期，为了她服下过量的paracetamol而紧急入院洗胃。
两人曾经在KMPh时期曾为一对令人羡慕的情侣。
就和其他KMPh出产的情侣一样，他们一起被国大的医学院录取了。
但后来却不知什么原因，开学不久，他们就这样分手了。
浩成了医学院里的话题人物，而芬被封了“冰山美人”的这么一个称号。

说完了黄之浩过去的这么一个大秘密，黄之浩还是这么一个迷一样的医学生。
他的性格，没有人知道。
但，很清楚的是，现在的黄之浩绝对和中学的他不一样。
据他的中学同班同学Connie，浩在中学的时候成绩是日新名校全五名之一，
其纪律问题的程度也绝对不在他的成绩之下。
当面与日新纪律老师干架，被传到校长室训话 -- 日新优秀生里，就算他最特别。
在日新的他绝对不是独来独往的。
他有一班学业和他一样好的朋友，也有另一班和他一起找纪律麻烦的兄弟。
曾经很健谈的他，有时还会说笑。
脸上总是有点邪气的笑容，曾经让他迷倒过不少....对不起，只有两个女生。
所以，拍过两次拖 -- 不多，但他曾干过的事情绝对让你跌破眼镜。
比如？-- 他曾经在巴士--载满者日新学生的学生巴士上，强吻一个小他一年的学妹。
后来，那女生没有告他非礼，反而成为他的女友。

所以，肯定的是，中学的浩和之前描述冷酷酷的浩简直就是判若两人。
如果你再观察第二学年的浩，你会怀疑他到底是受过什么刺激而变成这样的一个人。

你若认为戴墨镜 + 穿S&K黑灰色外衣 + 一头金发 + 嘴里衔着烟 @ 嚼着口香糖 的黄之浩已经够屌，那么你就大错特错了。
从第二学年开始，你不会再在讲堂的最高座位看到他 -- 因为他如今都是坐在第三第四排的前座。
又据浩第二学年的同班同学透露，进入第二学年后染金头发的浩从“特别”进化成了“怪物”。
上PBL时，他不怎么回答教授的问题；如果当他打开金口回答问题时，那绝对是没有人会回答的问题 -- 正因为这样，许多奇奇怪怪的case都是他发现diagnosis的。
这还不用紧，每一次的小组讨论，他似乎什么都没准备就来上课了。
当他发表他的research资料时，是不看纸的 -- 因为他从不把东西写在纸上；他只看着同学和教授了脸上，好像答案都写在他们的脸上似的。
上lab时，情况也是大同小异；很多时候，他说的答案全班只有教授听过这么样的东东。
这令和他一起上课的人很不爽他的屌。

这么屌的一个医学院生，真让人猜不透黄之浩究竟是怎么样的人。
那孤单的背影和不带笑容的脸下，到底是怎么样的一个人呢？
不用猜，也猜不到。
只是，有时候当你发现他一个人走在街上，一个人吃东西，一个人看电影时，
你会发现悲伤一直紧紧跟随着他，不肯放过他似的。
他被宿命拖着，走向你所谓的“成功医生”的道上，你永远不会了解黄之浩的这么一个人。

2008年10月10日
23：36

注：你看过黄之浩用流利的英文其他英文教育的人交谈，你会以为他是个ABC。再加上你看过 / 听过他在English Night 的辩论赛最后一场压倒性的辩论演词，你深信不疑他真的是个ABC，绝对不会用中文写下这样的一篇blog...你应该还不知到黄之浩也有自恋的一面吧！

XOXO
Reno （黄之浩是也）

Clincal Skill - relfection

This is an assignment I was required to do for my Clinical Science Learning (CSL) module. Well, I prereleased it here, before I hand in to my mentor tomorrow.

Ooi Zhi Hao A116684
Clinical Skills Learning 5 (CVS3) Reflective writing

On the 5th session of Clinical Skill Learning, I, as with my other colleagues, were required to perform skills that we learned from 2nd till 4th session, which including general and cardiovascular system examination on a standard patient. We were informed that the particular session was going to be a mock OSCE, just like what is going to be in our real final examination. As differ from 1st year standard patient session, this time, we were not only be tested our clinical examination skill, but we are also going to the particular cubicle in order and solo, without other colleagues watching what we were going to do. During that session, I offered to be the second person to be tested.

When it was my turn, I walked towards the cubicle and was told to read the question. During reading the question, I committed my first mistake as I was spending too much time to organize chain of question I was going to ask about history of presenting illness. Till my examiner / mentor reminded me of the limited allocated time, then I started to panic and began my history taking by greeting the standard patient. During the first question of taking history of presenting illness, I ended my question 2 minutes before time up. My examiner broke the silence by reminding me about asking patient’s symptoms at night. Before I could asked further question about patient’s paroxysmal nocturnal dyspnea, it was time up and I had to present my history taking. After my history taking presentation, my mentor told me that my history taking wasn’t impressive as the biggest flaw in my HPI was the lacking of any childhood disease that would suggest rheumatic heart disease.

Next, I was required to perform a cardiovascular examination on the same standard patient. This time, I couldn’t stop myself by thinking my mistake during history taking. This distraction caused my performance worse than I used to be during usual session. Couple of things I missed during my CVS examination, included radio-radial pulse, collapsing pulse, carotid pulse etc. With this poor performance, my mentor finally pointed out in her feedback that I was behaving nervous during the whole mock OSCE, and I will need a lot of practices to be more professional next time, which I couldn’t agree more with that.

As my reflection on my mistake during history taking, I realize how important it is for a medical student / doctors to be well prepared anytime with any situation of how the patient might be. Organizing chain of though when the patient is in front of me is surely not an impression I want to be in front of a sick person who might need emergency medical treatment. Patients seeking our help because of trust, hence, any delay in approaching to patient is not a good thing to do, but in fact, causing patient to doubt our professionalism. In more serious level, delay in approaching a patient because of “organizing chain of though” is not an excuse, as time is very precious especially patient attend to us with a serious medical problem which might be life threatening. A fast response and well-react to a patient’s medical problem can sometimes mean saving a life. Be well-prepared anytime is the first lesson I learn in this session.

In order to improve my approach of history taking, I realize that I was missing the part of nocturnal symptoms and childhood history is because I wasn’t formulating differential diagnosis in the process of asking history form the patient. Making use of clinical manifestations of various diseases I learned from books, I should be able to form a provisional diagnosis after knowing chief complaint of the patient. Based on this case, patient was young and presented with shortness of breath. I should have suspected rheumatic heart disease, on the ground of its prevalence among young population, and hence it would lead me into probing any history of rheumatic fever during childhood. From here, I learned that conversation with the patient and simultaneously making provisional diagnosis in my mind is a multi-task ability I should practice a lot. This is a big step from history taking in 1st year when there weren’t many diseases that we learned which limited our differential diagnosis in first year, but it shouldn’t be in second year right now. With our maturation during this year, it’s time for us to make differential diagnosis during history taking, and not after.

In the physical examination part of this mock OSCE, I should learn to overcome my distraction next time as it would influence my performance. From here, I realize that steadiness is very crucial when we are going to approach a patient physically. Steadiness would mean making sure oneself is not influenced by distraction, no matter what. With a clear thought, we will be able to complete all things that we need to do when we were examining particular system of a patient. Lacking any step would sometimes result in missing a sign that might suggest a particular disease. Furthermore, steadiness also enables us to appreciate some clinical signs even more, e.g. heart murmurs, apex beat etc., which is very fundamental to make every our action merely action, but an investigation.

Lastly, I should keeps reminding my weakness always, but not allowing them to influence me when attending a patient. I should also keep my mentor’s advice in mind, which the only way to perfectionism is through practices, and lots of practices.

My Way

Shit!

What a good word to start this blog. Shit because I spend two days in revising anemia, which was only one hour lecture + two hour MES (meet expert session). Shit! (again)

Why was I spending so many time? After comparing what I read from books with lectuer notes ... it's like comparing a kindergarden maths exercise and a pre-U one. What the fuck! Isn't that medical school suppose to train doctors who are going to save some lives in future? And this is the fucking lecture notes and are going to teach these bunch of people to handle lives of people in future. Well done, Dr Azma from UKM! (Okay, I confessed that I missed the lecture because I was sick that day, though part of me intentionally...)

It is making me wonder: whether all I'm doing right now worth? I have been puting so much effort persuing a different path from others. While others are making lecture notes thier bible, I'm struggling to understand text from a 1.5 kg pathology which is only secondary source for others. Other people's lecture notes are beautifully highlighted and jotting foot notes in every corners, mine are as clean as unsed toilet wipe (this metaphore is just intend to make more sense how I feel lecture notes are nothing more useful than a toilet wipe). The keyword of survial in UKM Medic: DIGEST YOUR LECTURE NOTES and you'll pass the exam. This is a proven fact seeing how my friend was making diagnosis of the last question based on excluding other already-choosen disease in lecture notes. (What a good way to save lives!). But, I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE! (quoted from WALL-E). That's why I have been choosing different path from others... the question now is: is this all worth?

Doubts and uncertainties are always exist in no matter which path I would have choosen. Time is allocated equally for every contestors in this Medic game. If I'm going to walk on this path I chose, I need to work harder to reach to the same progression as others. This is like a gamble because the final is just in less than one month. After all the humiliation of first year, I'm not going to humiliate myself more. Back to the same question: is it worth what I'm doing right now? Neglecting lecture notes and reading mostly textbooks? ... ... (moment of silence) Out of sudden, I think about a shoutout which I wrote on my MSN two years ago (I don't know why my memory still so clear about this)... ...exactly the night when I decided to reject matriculation offer (but in the end, I still went there and experienced a hell of life)... the shoutout was (not is) the reason why I wanted (not want) to stay in Form 6:

A person who follow the crowd will never be the person.

I tell myself again tonight, "A person who follow the crowd will never be the person". That was the Zhi Hao I was in secondary school. I lost myself during matriculation, and I need to find myself back. This path of becoming a doctor is about finding myself again and continue the principle of my life before I gave up two years ago and let myself deteriorate in matriculation. Becoming THE person. There's no replay or restart in this non-return life. I had two options: follow the crowd or be THE person. (Note that I use "had") I already made my choice, I want to be THE person. For once and the last time of my life, I want to be THE doctor, and not a doctor like others. This is the difference of me from others, and my path as well.

Life keeps screwing with me. Being born in a broken family, entering matriculation, poverty ... My shrink told me that all my background have been working synergically to contribute to my depression today. Growing under the best medium of cultivating depression, how can't I not develop depression. I've been having depressional breakdown since I graduated from matriculation (thanks to my triggering factor ex-girlfriend). I'm not going to let life screwing with me. Fuck the life! Screw the fate! I'll be THE person.

It doesn't matter whether I can achieve it or not. Because the worst scenario is: I die with the dream just steps away from me. I rather die this way than never begin step my foor on path to be special. Even if the worst case, I wouldn't just merely die, I die HARDER.

I think I can answer my doubt of the worthness of my current effort right now. It is not the matter whether it's worth or the other way. This is the matter that I have nothing to loose. If I follow the crowd and read the lecture notes, I lost many important things, top of the list: the ability of making differential diagnosis as a doctor, and the opportunity to be special as an ordinary human beings. Conversely, I lost nothing if I work harder (and die harder) and read the textbooks. The conclusion is: I have nothing to loose, so, continue what I have started these two days -- screw the lecture notes and read the textbooks.

Before I continue to work on digesting "bleedind diatheses", here are some quotes that I want to tell myself tonight and share:

做医生，就要当第一的医生；因为没有病人会想把生命交给第二第三的医生。
-- 蓝泽耕作《Code Blue》（日剧）

被嘲笑的梦想才有被实践的价值；即使跌到了，姿势也会很豪迈。
-- 九把刀 （台湾作家）

A person who follow the crowd will never be the person
-- Reno

Hence, the name of my blog -- My Doc Path.

One step at a time

One step at a time.
I tell myself. There's no room for me to allow myself to be influenced by depression, nor my judgement clouded by negative emotion. I must study hard and be the one. In order to achieve that, I realise that I need to stay tough ... keeping myself from falling apart, no matter what the challenges are.

Indeed, I'm trying to clear myself from the effects of escitalopram -- altered personality. It is all because I just resume a therapy after a hiatus of 10 days. Everything need to restart, even the effects of the drugs ... and I'm now suffering severer altered personality since commenced my drug in the afternoon today. I need to stay clear and calm ... even this altered personality is making me weak and vulnerable ... but, this is part of the treatment itself. I keep telling myself it's the escitalopram is making trick with serotonin in my brain...it's not me. Once the serotonin fluctuation trick is over, I'll be fine - even better than the begining of my treatment. So, stay clear and clam ... and plan carefully, Reno.

Now, first part of my plan, identify what side effects I'm suffering from escitalopram
1. Nausea and lost of apetite
2. Dizziness and lightheadness
3. Rebound depression
4. Lost of libido
5. Daytime somnolence
6. Lost of interest in everything

Those are the drugs, not me. I'm now clearer of that. I sufferred that before when the first time I start on escitalopram. They all will be over in days. In the coming days, I should not let those negative side effects predominant in my live ... I'm the owner of my life, not you, escitalopram.

With this, I proceed to the next step in planing: what do I need to do?
1. Resume pathology on glomerular diseases of kidney and so on
2. Leave the footnotes from lecture notes to be reviewed during revision
3. Stay clear and sharp to attend Medicine and Society mini test tomorrow
4. Start revision of module 1 from tomorrow night

I satisfy with my list of thing-to-do of tomorrow. I feel better. No worry, but stay focus that I must make sure myself ahead of others ... and I should keep reminding myself that I study for sake of understanding, not speed. So, with this moment of depression attack, I couldn't pull myself together to read more, so, I choose to rest, watch a movie or whatever ... even if I study right now, it would be a disrespect to the art of medicine ... I'm not in the fit form of reading ... take a break, Reno.

Now, what was making me angry just now?
The stupid self-learning notes of tubular functions, produced by asshole physio lecturer

Do I need to angry?
No

What my pass experience that can help me to cope with this problem?
My analytical and collaboration ability. So, I was angry because I was influenced by the transient moment of frustration over some asshole's work...which I shouln't be. I could make a picture of acute kidney failure and chronic kidney disease from 3 books and digest them as one ... so, I can make the fucking tubulat function lecture notes to be corporated into my current understanding of tubular function. The only additional things in the notes are:
1. mention of principal cell and intercalated cells of collecting tubules
2. ...
that's it. I was frustrated because I never meet those terms before. The other part about proportion of reabsorption and regulation ... It is exactly what I undersatnd from Sherwood. So, don't worry, I'll sort out functions of I and P cells of collecting tubules when making revision. Somemore, the function is differently described in different book, could be just a trivia. The pathophysiology and regulation of kidney function is much more important.

Now, I'm clear of what was happening. It's just the drug effects. I still have my ability to analyse the situation ... and I should live with my ability. But, right now, I can't fight the central effects of escitalopram ... retreating but not give up. I need a rest.

One step at a time, Reno.

Suffering

Damned! It has been two days since I finished my last pill of escitalopram...suffering from serotonin functional deficiency now...altered personalities, clouded judgement, insonmia...you named it...but, I don't know how to describe this feeling. High? Maybe...high because I'm testing myself with abrupt withdrawal of escitalopram which my shrink warned me about all the potential adverse drug effects...God knows what's gonna happen to me next.

By the way, I also got another high from reading lung carcinoma while a smouldering cigarrete in my hand...cool! I was like looking into what's gonna happen in my lung...even to the level of cellular or molecular (genetic lesions) level! It's a gift to know how I'm going to die in future...don't ya think so?

受伤的天蝎

出生于1988年寒冷的11月17日,
我天生就是注定是只天蝎；
一只被命运注定逆命而行的天蝎。
但，在这一刻，我只是一只受伤的天蝎...

从我懂事开始，妈就教导我什么是自律，什么是自我要求。
自律，就是要对自己严厉；自我要求，就是除了最厉害那个，什么都不要。
慢慢的，在处罚的瘀青伤痕下，我学会对自己鞭策。
因为我深刻的明白为什么我的名字里的“浩”字 -- 我的宿命。

一路走来，看着别人都是来自幸福的家庭，我也开始了解什么叫做失败。
一个没有计划的人生就是失败。
我生命中最好的例子就是我的父亲。
父亲二字不过是课本告诉我：妈妈的丈夫就是我的爸爸。
所以，这些年来，除了因为这个信念我称他为爸爸，
其他的，他的存在不过告诉了我什么事世界上最失败的失败。
所以从那个叫“父亲”的人的身上，我知道我决不可以容许自己失败。

失败的定义是：只要不胜利就是失败。
所以，我只允许胜利、只能够赢--我别无选择，
因为除此之外的选择都是失败。

抱着这些信念，我走到今天。
走到我又再次受伤的今天。
看着身上伤痕累累的疤，我知道今天我又多了一道疤。

我不明白为什么我的身上会一次又一次因为感情，而一道一道地刻着疤。
天蝎不会像蝴蝶一样从毛虫进化蜕变。
天蝎没有蝴蝶与生俱来那缤纷灿烂的翅膀，只有身上一道道的伤痕，刻画着自我提醒的记号。
天蝎敢爱敢恨，爱恨分明...
为什么我一直都那么的小心翼翼提醒自己是只天蝎，我还是会因为爱收了伤呢？

尽管朋友们告诉我，我不过是被那女生利用，为什么我还是跌进那个陷阱？
我被人甩了，因为我没钱买寿司请她，因为我没车开来接她去走街。
我只不过是当她的功课有问题时，我才会收到她的讯息的人。
我身上唯一有价值的就是我的头脑 --
那个懂医人，却不能自医的头脑。
朋友总是那么的告诉我。

我爱上了一个不该爱的女人...难道我的一生就注定一次又一次被伤害，
然后一道又一道地在身上画着伤疤，直到我伤痕累累，再也认不出原来的我....
一直到我变成受伤得不能再爱上人的天蝎...
这就是天蝎的“蜕变”吗？
难道受伤是“蜕变”的条件吗？

如果这是蜕变，
如果受伤是蜕变的条件，
我愿意受伤，我愿意爱上那个不该爱的女人后受伤。
累积了那么多年的伤害，我还在等待我这只天蝎蜕变的那天。
等待对的风为我吹走身上残破的战甲，
等待更黑的黑夜让我把敌人杀得片甲不留...
等待...等待...

我就是穷，但我决不会穷到像那个叫“父亲”的人一样失败。
我就是逆流行舟、我就是逆命而行。
就像我妈，就算嫁给一个没用的家伙也能养出姐姐和我一样成功。
我只有一个妈妈，没有爸爸！
那个告诉我逆命而行的妈妈！

我发誓有一天我会向命运十倍要回生命亏欠我的所有！
我现在穷，我现在没有能力去追求我要的东西；
但，我会用我的能力一步一步往上爬...
天蝎无论受伤与否，悲伤还是开心，总会把毒蟄面对眼前的敌人，双钳随时准备把面前的障碍瓦解...这就是天蝎！
天蝎不会像猫一样喋着伤口，而像狮子一样带着自傲的伤疤走着...这才是天蝎！

我是只受伤的天蝎，因为我是只蜕变中的天蝎！
Stop licking your wound, and walk proudly with your scars!

2008年9月5日 21：22
又被人甩了，这一次是因为自己穷...
黄之浩！穷也要穷得有骨气！

Life is like a box full of chocolates

After the Dark Knight, I hardly find any movie that I really enjoy in cinema...standing in front of GSC counter, staring on the screene with various "now showing" movies... It doesn't stimulate my appetite anyway....so, I choose to watch movies "retrospectively"...which means I'm watching old movies from....well, nowaday, you can download anything from the internet. Pirated...but not my fault because I'm born in this decade where I can hardly find a movie that suit my appetite. And, don't be shock when I tell you that I'm downloading movies like "Titanic", "Speed", "Gladiator", "Band of Brothers (an old series)"...and (here come my most unbelievable part) "Casablanca".

And in this little post, I'm going to write about one of Tom Hanks' movies -- "Forrest Gump". (And yes, I just watched it couple hours ago)

Well, I watched that on TV3 once...when I was too littele to appreciate it and ended fall sleep on couch when the show ended. As I'm gettin more mature now (at least I think), I think it worth to win the Oscar indeed. It is one of the greatest movies of all time...and it's about too many things that every moment scene in the movie has its own meaning...which I feel strongly part of that, but confusing of the other because I'm not familiar with US history.

Hm...the part of the movie that pushed me deep into though is last part of Forrest's narration about he's running. He ran for no reason. It started with one day when he felt like he wana run, he ran; when he felt tired of running after 3 years 2 months 14 days, he went home to Alabama. Simple. He lead a simple life...and, though his love one has a complicated life, love simply. He ran for sake of running, and he loved for sake of loving; and the most important part, he did for no particular reason (He even went to war for sake of....maybe because war?)

How life can be so simple...and yet contended if we just do things for sake of doing it? I wish I can...and I'll learn. If we can do things that we are destinied to do...we don't need reason. Why don't live for just sake of living? And life will be hell lots easier.

Life is like a box full of chocolates, you never know what you'll get.

Pursuit of happiness

I have been thinking of writting this down for couple of days since I watched "Pursuit of Happiness", which is basically the last great movie that Will Smith ever participated before he became so self-horoism in "I'm Legend" and "Hancock". Well, why I watch this kind of sentimental movie out of nowhere? If it wasn't for the Personal and Professional Development (PPD) module, I wouldn't watch it. The watching was actually part of our assignment for sake of discussion in the following days. What I'm going to write here is my answer to my facillitator during the small group discussion (SGD): what is the scene that affected you the most in the movie? People in class talked about each of their favourite scenes in turn, touching scenes, funny scenes, phylosophical scenes etc.

When it was my turn, my reply was: My favourite scene in the movie is when Gardner's life hit a new ground and he started to question whether happiness is something only meant to be pursued, but never be reached?

Actually, the title of the movie originated from a quote from USA Declaration of Independence -- the right of every citizen to the pursuit of happiness...(and blah blah blah) Pursuit of happiness. What a good choice of word -- pursuit. Is it mean that happiness is something that we can only run, and pursuit for the whole of our life, but never meant to be reached?

I don't know. Happiness is just a feeling. A chemical reaction of various hormones and neurotransmitters in your limbic portion of your hypothalamus...that your brain perceive as "Happy". And hence, from the collaral branch to the motor cortex to make the expression "smiling"...and if the electrical activity too strong, it can even stimulate your lacrimanl gland to produce what so callled "tears of happiness". How wonderful it is?

But, you can't always be happy. There are moment where happiness is gone, and it left you in dark, creepy feeling called "sadness". Where the hell is the happiness wthat we though we've grabbed it when we are smiling? Happiness is in your hand in this moment, but it'll slip away...anytime. For this I have postulated two theories:

First, is happiness is where there's no sadness?
or, second, is sadness is where there's no happines?

Again, I don't know. But, anyway, I feel the former would be more likely be the reality of this world. This is just like the concept of light and darkness. Darkness is simply where there's no light; you can't hold on to light...just like you can't have happiness in your hands always. So, we back to the root, are we just going to persue for happiness for the rest of our lives? I think... and I strongly feel that: YES

So, conclusion is: we are going to pursue for happiness, which is something never meant to be reached. We are running everyday...we make friends, we find our love one, we watch comedy...because we're so hell desperately for happiness. We need happiness; happiness is created as a necessarity, just like food, water, and air. We can't be sure that we ever obtain happiness forever, just like we can't stop needing for food, water, and air...

We are pursuing happiness...never reach, but we still pursuing...for our whole life.

Geographical Profiling

Mobility is one characterisitc which distinguish organisms from non-living things; so do criminals. In criminal psychology, there's a usual approach known as "geographical profiling", which utilize this mobility characteristics of criminal to estimate where do the unsub settle and hence provide a more precise analysis of his MO.

In geographical profiling, it is usually connecting few crime scenes together to obtain a bigger picture of "nodes of familarity" or "comfort zones" of the unsub. The middle of the zone would be the highest probability where the unsub lives.

This technique begins by profiling the crime scene, and it is particularly useful when it is a body dumping sites. One should notes that is there any effort of the unsub to conceal the body, e.g. a body sinked in the river with a stone tied to the body indicates the unsub don't want anyone to find the body because the victim may probably somehow linked to him, one should consider crime of passion, or somethings more personel. Conversely, if the body emerged on the water surface tells us that the unsub doesn't care about whether the body is discovered or not, hence we can narrow down it may be opportunistic killing, and rule out personal element in crime.

Next, observe the route to the body dumping site. If it's an open space, the unsub must posses a vehicle, preferably a truck, which wouldn't arouse any suspicion to be at the scene. If the body is discovered in a jungle, the unsub must be familiar with the place, and he's strong enough to carry the body to the middle of jungle. With this, we can estimate where are the comfort zone of the scumbag.

In serial killing, body dumping sites usually indicates the comfort zone of the unsub, For scattered body dumping places, those places, if connected by lines on map, will form the peripheral of the comfort zone for unsub. On the other hand, if the dumping places is concentrated / centered, it is usually in the middle of journey within the unsub's locus of familarity, i.e. the route he takes almost everyday to work (most probably) and other daily activities. The reasons behind this bold assumption are:

1. The unsub would intentionally / unintentionally observe the condition of the body dumping sites daily. Just think this, if you're gonna get rid of a body, you would feel safer to go someplace where you are familiar with, and you must sure that the time you do that, the lesser people there the better.

2. For opportunistic serial killing, the dumping part should be considered as one of his MO because they way he get rid of the body is the chain of though what he was thinking after kiling the victim. Some killing of passion unsub intentionally hide the body in a "storing" way so that he can revive the pleasure after killing by visiting the body. These kind of ritual is not uncommon among those sociopath as it is the only way they feel connected to people (victims).

3. Dumping the body is a habit, rather than a casual action. For example, while throwing rubbish out of window, we tend to throw through one particular window and a more or less defined direction. Working something our of habit would be discomfort for the unsub.

More over, if possible, abduction site would further narrow the zone of comfort that we map. Hunting part is so crucial that the unsub need to abduct his victim from a place where he is also familiar, even opporunistic killing rarely occur outside comfort zone. He needs to know that his presence in that place while waiting for his prey shouldn't be interfered by any unwanted events which would compromise his action. Again, familrity is very important.

To further extend our discussion, one should think of operating outside the comfort zone if the kiling habit has been prolonged due to connection lacking in initial investigation. An unsub's comfort zone tends to get bigger as he kills more, as sadly, his confidence is gaining. Any new killing outside the comfort zone would assist in capturing the unsub, because with the geographical profiling, one can predict the dumping site and the interval since any new abduction is reported. In here, geographical profiling proven to be extremely useful.

At last, to end this blog, I would strengten that geographical profiling is not as easy as it seemed, becuase many aspects should be considered, like relevance of cases, evolution of unsub, socioeconomy of the particular area etc. Therefore, it's never easy and I'm damned fascinated everytime Reid perform this geographical profiling in criminal minds!

Here's Dr Spencer Reid:

(cool, right? ^^)

永别了，我最爱的你。

我一直以为只要“我就喜欢”就可以和你一起天长地久。
但，现实总是把“喜欢”在贫穷面前砸成粉粹。
为什么人总是需要在爱情和面包面之间做出选择？
需要你的我只能在选择之间的隙缝中呼吸着想要却得不到的伤痛。
每一个一呼一吸都被我们的回忆在我心中的孔越撕越大...

你金黄色的发丝就像田间靠向夕阳的风的稻草；(Mc French fries)
你无情的冷血让我放弃氧气喝下二氧化碳的黑水；(Mc coke)
有你在的每一个城堡，我被囚禁在里面，(Mc chicken, spicy chiken Mc Delux, Big Mag...)
被烤得香脆的炸鸡和蔬菜压迫得不能呼吸...

惟有逃出双黄金拱门的枷锁，我才能自由。
所以，永别了，我最爱的麦当劳...

Sober

No turning back, no giving up.
I keep on telling myself that recently. I'm in sober of McD and TV series for days...and now, I'm feeling like hell. NO McD because I'm planing to save money and my life from dying of hypercholesterolemia; no TV series because I already finish all TV series I want to watch! Criminal minds, Lost, Grey's anatomy, House...there're all done and gone. I'm like living in hell without them. What am I goin to do during my break time? My precious McD and TV series...time to say goodbye... T_T

How long sober I'm going to be? Without them, what basically left in myself are medical books and books and more books!!! Father, send some guidance from above and help me!

蓝色的伞

你打开蓝色的伞，转身走入灰蒙蒙的雨中。
我用目光默默送你远去；你用背影仿佛对我说再见。

下着的这场雨对折了未来和过去，
透过雨水的折射，我似乎看见了过去的我也在那蓝色的伞下...
我的右肩紧紧地靠着你的左肩；
握着伞柄的右手有你的左手和我一同撑起属于我们两人的蓝色世界。
伞边缘滴下的雨水淋湿了你右边的肩，
天空上飘下的雨水划过了我左边的肩；
我们就是那么曾经不在乎一切地生活在只有你和我的蓝色世界。

无情的冷风划过，只有你一手撑着的蓝色世界失去了重心，
雨水淋湿了你右边的肩；
压抑不住的泪划过我左边的脸，却到不了我左边的肩。
于是，你再见的背影偏离了雨水的光折射度，
本来对折的过去未来就这样越来越远...

你身后的雨隔开了我和你的世界，
我走不进那蓝色雨伞下的忧郁世界...
我们曾经以为两个人，一把伞就可以浪迹天涯，直到海枯石烂；
却不知道有时候爱情路上的雨不是撑着一把伞就可以一路走到永远。
直到那场暴风雨把我们浇醒了...
你的左手在暴风雨中慢慢滑开了我的右手，
我无力的右手渐渐放开了蓝色的伞柄...
蓝色的世界就这样消失在暴风雨，取代的是灰蒙蒙的雨景。

不管是分手那场雨，还是此刻的这场雨，
我还是搞不清每一次你在雨里消失的背影，是因为雨水还是泪水。
但你消失前一秒的背影，我却清楚地看见蓝色雨伞下的世界只有一个人，只有你。
我也很清楚，能够和你在未来走在蓝色的世界下的人不再是我，
你需要的是一个更可靠的肩膀，一只更紧握的的右手替你撑其那个新颖的蓝色伞，
一只就算不需要你的左手的右手，
一只属于更爱你的人的右手，
只有那只右手能够“携子之手，与子偕老”。
不是我的右手。

雨越下越大了，却也浇不息滚沸的思念。
我伸出你握过的右手进雨中，
飘下的雨水把我的掌心打得刺痛。
别辜负了老天为我哭泣的这场雨吧！
于是，我把从未打开的蓝色伞收回了书包；
我不需要蓝色的世界，就这样走进怀念的雨的世界。

2008年8月21日
06：28

太阳似乎罢工了一天，整个吉隆玻不是在飘着雨就是在灰蒙蒙的乌云低下。
前几天在（湿淋淋地跑进）7-eleven买了一把蓝色的伞，今天早上却忘了带出门
结果今天中午我淋了一身，还好没感冒。（从小开始，每次淋雨都好像不会感冒的...）
所以，我没有“把未打开的蓝色伞收回了书包”，以上纯属虚构，
我在这里单身过的很好，很过瘾。=）

Criminal Minds -- season 3 pilot

It has been days I was experiencing "DVD-withdrawal" syndrome...finally, I bought the (pirated) criminal mind season 3 as my fix...damned! It's heaven...It's really good to feel that my life has something to go on.

Here's the pilot case of episode season 3.

There has been murders in a campus. 4 female victims in 3 days, so it's calssified as a spree murder case. Victims all shared some common features: no defensive wounds, multiple stab wounds to the chest, no hesitation marks, Brunnetts, electiical shock marks, found with both hands crossed in anterior of chest. Two of the crime scenes were well lit place in the campus.

Agent Giddeion suggested that investigation should be carried out and profile be made ASAP because this was a killing in a confinced place. This kind of spree killer will kill as many as they can, as fast as they can...this was like a game to them. Killing in this confined campus makes them fell secure because this is thier nodes of mobility, i.e. the place that they are familiar with, and spend most of thier daily life there, whether for thier job, entertainment, or on thier way to some place on thier daily basis.

Hence, after establishing the pace of this profiling, time's for modus operandi (MO). Most bodies were found in well lit places in campus -- this indicates that the unsub (unknown subject) is a part of this campus, either he/she works here or study here. He is not afraid being noticed in the campus because no one will suspicious with his presence in campus. Anyone of the campus, may see or know him. Next, there is no defensive wound, means the victims may not be alerted when he was there or he may even talked to the victims which may suggest that victims feel secured with his presence while each of them was alone before being killed. Electrical shock wounds means he carries the tools before attacking those victims, he is well planed. No hesitation marks, mens the victims were killed merciless, and the unsub is sure (not hesitant) about he wants to kill those victims. However, in this special case, the position of crossed hands in front of chest is contrasting that the unsub is merceless, but he is in remorse. He felt guilty moments after killing those girls.

Next, victimology. The unchanged pattern with all 3 victims are white Burnnets means the stressor in this case may be a person, girlfriend, mother, wife ect., who may exactly is a white Burnnets. No hesitation marks and the way of positioning bodies give us the clue that the unsub has a conflicted and mixed feelings of hate and love to the stressor. Since the murders just occured few days earlier, his relationship with the stressor must have some changes exactly days, or weeks ago. The emotional transition period in unsub is still in early phase, so he most probably expresses some obvious devolution in his life which his surrounding peoples, colleages / friends might have noticed, e.g. depressed, drinking, irritable etc.

Okay, now with the MO and victimology analysis, the BAU draft a profile ... which they successfully made an arrest of a security guard who matched almost all the profile. Stressor? He lost his daughter custody to his exwife...who you guess, is a white Brunnets. Since there's no physical evidence, he can only be held for 72 hours.

You thinks the case is just be goin on like this? The police finally found a piece of comfirmative evidence? No no no... there's another killling within the 72 hours.

The victim this time is also a white Brunnet female. But, there has been some change in the MO: the victim suffered blunt force trauma to the head, and this time, some of the stab wounds are more shallow -- hesitation marks.

The last murder is least likely to be commited by the first unsub, i.e. we have a copycat in this case. Thus, Agent Gideon suggested a solution... he released the first unsub. And he expect the copy cat to meet with the unsub because copycats are people who admiring the primary killer, and they are mostly keen to seek for confirmation from the primary killer to make them feel satisfy...Gideon was right! But....

It ended up the copycat killed the unsub and then killed herself (copycat is a she).

What a twist! Criminal Mind apparently hasn't lost his unique assence in crime series! But, in this episode, it was also told that Gideon's judgement might be clouded by Sarah's death... and it's fact that Gideon is going to leave BAU soon...how sad! :(

Anyway, this is the pilot case of criminal mind season 3 -- and I hope this show will be going on for long time!

黑暗

当夜晚将这个城市披上黑色外套，

路灯渐渐取代阳光...好让这个都市继续呼吸。

每一条小巷，每一道街，人来人往地走着各色各样的人...

有的人过了快乐的一天、有些人不幸地忧郁了一天...

更多的是那些不管过了是快乐还是忧郁的一天，他们在乎的是此时此刻走在身边的爱人。

只要和爱的人呼吸着同一空间的空气，也能觉得很幸福。

无奈，我已经忘记幸福的味道。

配在我身边的不是爱，而是寂寞。

每一个夜里，我的阳光却不能被路灯取代。

就算走在光天化日的街上，我的心还是黑暗的。

活在你死我活的白色巨塔 -- 没有阶梯的塔 -- 往上爬的唯一办法就是踩着脚下的人。

踩在脚下的人越多，就能爬得越高。

等到爬到塔的顶端，你就赢了。

浴在塔顶的阳光，你会觉得很轻松...因为你已经失去了生命的所有东西。

不知道什么开始，生命开始用名利和我交换人性。

失去所有的东西，我也要看到塔顶的阳光。

我只知道我一定要赢 -- 不惜任何代价！

枷锁

有一个灵魂被捆绑在这个城市里。

每栋建筑物像是用寂寞的砖块搭建，

连连绵绵，像是枷锁...无情地把灵魂捆绑在人来人往的大都市。

走到哪里，悲伤都在紧紧跟随；

甩不掉的回忆注定悲伤的宿命。

那场分手注定了悲剧收场的生命，将在心碎散落一地的那道路--爱最终走向终点。

没有目的走在人山人海，每个人都带着回忆走完总有一天结束的生命。

而我的回忆什么时候会带我走到那一天？

The cardio-genre of the art of medicine

Many people draw paralel between medicine with art.

"Medicine is an art." That's what my clinical mentor told us, "you are now learning not only medicine, but also the greatest art of human inteligence"

Recently, without much realizing, I found myself drown in one of the medicine art -- the music of heart. Here, I give you electrocardiogram (ECG / EKG).

Before I come to the chapter of ECG, the name of ECG/EKG was not stranger to me. Well, you can hear the word being mentioned every now and then in medical dramas. Most situation would be...

"v-tach...no! v-fib! Charge pedal to 200! ... clear! (everyone step away from the bed, and the doc is shocking the patient)"

or...

"asystole...push another gram of epi! Now, charge pedal to 200...clear!"

so, ECG was not a stranger...

But, the first time when I was staring on the P, QRS, and T waves...they are strangers. I though it's easier to be intepreted like other lab results...but, hell! It's like some foreign / outerspace language to me!

So, I went to librabry, trying to search for a book called "ECG made easy"... but there's a name of a book in the cardio shelf that caught my attention "The only ECG book you would ever need". Because of the boasting and ego of the name, I chose it.

"By the end of this book, you will be able to read ECG just like how the musician read the notes..."

Wow! That was...the book is making a promise!

And now, on 30% of the book, I found myself fonding in reading the ECG... I'm like, kinda appreciating how the ECG is presented in this way... it's like learning a new language, a new art... although I'm still being far from intepreting ECG in glanace, but I hope that one day, I can reach the standard of telling what's wrong with the ECG with only one glance...it's cool!

If medicine is an art, then ECG would be the music of the art, which specifically, in the cardio-genre. I like it! =)

Lambs, lions, and men

I want to believe that my life is meant for something, something big, something great...something that can have profound change to this world. Thus, I'm always dreaming, because dreaming is the only way where you'll almost believe that your belief can become truth. But, after dreaming, welcome back to the realistic world where thing always goes the opposite way of your belief. Life is sucks!

Since my secondary school life, I've started to begins my dreaming journey. I dreamed of being a detective...or the opposite side, I want to become a criminal mastermind. Sounds weird, right? Because, I believe that crime is an art. Both detective and criminals practice and refine thier art in crime. It's the art of crime I was aspirating, not the role. So, I was so abssessed about criminology ar that time. My mentors are Japanese detective manga and, of course, Sherlock Holmes. In a way, I feel that the story of Sherlock Holmes is complete only because of the existance of his nemesis, Prof. Mourrie (I forget the actual spelling), who ruled the crime world of 18th century London. In a word, I believe that you either change the world by creating justice via vigillance, or you create anarchy by choas.

But, one day, I woke up and realize that I'll be neither great detective nor criminal mastermind... stop and stare...I'm among animals in this medical school of UKM.

How did I end up here? Long story... and heartbreaking. Everything happens for reasons. I keep on telling myself...keep holding on. Because, in reality, I'm just a medical student. My books are all medical books, and detctive stories are all dusted in store room. I'm going to walk around with sthetoscope, not a gun... dreams really make reality even sucks more.

It's always been competition in medical school. People trying to beat each other in PBL, assessments, and examinations... There's no place for weak ones here. It's a lion fight.

Am I a lion? Sometimes, I ask myself. I hate competition, and yet, I'm born to be a competitive person. Involving in a fight for honor and rankings is never what I want, and it is, and it'll always be where I'm going to be. There's no difference in this medical school and war in lion fight. YOU CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE. Trusting people are like suicide, especially friends -- they are enemies / competitors who masked under friendship, approach you, and stab you at your back. So, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER TRUST PEOPLE. Trust no one.

I'm not the best, at least currently, I tell myself. I'm a detective/criminal who fall from his dream, and end up in this ugly lion fight. I faced a twist in my life, because fate and destiny are screwing with me. They are fucking screwing with me by trying to make me a victim among the animals in medical school...I'M NOT GOING TO BE ONE! And now, I realize that, I need to screw them back. I'm not lambs for those lions, and neither I'm going to turn myself into one fucking lion. I'm going to be a MAN.

I shall remind myself that I'll keep on being a man, and I'm not going to be any animal, and of course, not the fucking lion. Lions may be fooled that men are like lambs, and I'm going to make them realize that they are men can kill lions. I might be the only human being among those lions, but loneliness and depression will make me stronger, I believe. This time, I belive in reality, not dream.

31st Jul 2008 05:48
Lost and found my direction again in this morning when I woke up in purposelessness. Life sucks, but I'll be stronger!

I hate drugs!

I hate drugs! Why can't those drugs just have some pretty names, instead of propanolol, atenolol, hydrochlorothiazides bla bla blah.... Pharmacology are apparently abusing the chemistry where they call a substance which already have a readily undertandable chemical names into some bullshit noun...and the pharmaceutial company did more abuse by patenting thier names... generic names, street names bla bla blah...

Really headache!

Plus, you always can guess how pharmaco lectures are going to be carried out. Usually start with normal pathway, then classification, proceed to each class; next, pharmacokinetics, pharmacodynamics, mechanism of action, clinical usage, adverse drug effects bla bla bla....boring! okay, it never stops here: they pharmacology books is going to make things more complicated by mentioning some rare or unsettled things about the drugs...because the pharmaceutial company keep on inventing new drugs and so on....

Nevertheless, we, as medical students still have to learn that...I wonder how docs know the dosage and indication of every drugs... long way to go...

29 Jul 2008 19:53
having angina pectoris trying to digest antianginal drugs...

Docs can't save lives

We are born to die. Simple, death exist because birth is there. Without birth, there’s no death.

My master once told me a story, which I can’t hardly recall because it has been years ago. But, I still remember the conclusion of the story: the greatest uncertainty of life is when we are going to die; while the greatest certainty in life is we are going to die for sure.

Contemplate that you are going to die, every day first thing in the morning. My master told me.

Nevertheless, I abandoned my contemplation since I been too busy to study till I realized I’ve been far away from what my master taught me in Buddhism.

Today, I told a friend in MSN: we, as doctors, are just treating “illness”, it’s never about saving “lives”. Men are born to be death, thus it’s contrast for men to be gifted the ability to fight against death totally. Saving lives is just bullshit, but noble way of saying to be a doctor.

The key element here is: doctors are just treating illnesses, we can’t save lives.

And, here, I’m going to use medical points of views to prove that people are born to be death. We, as doctors in the future, are going to only treat illnesses, but death is certain.

To begin, let us contemplate of some genetic diseases. It’s too obvious that patients who are born with those genetic defects are going to die for sure. No matter whether it’s a single DNA substituition, or chromosomal aneuploidy, those patients are going to be killed by the genetic lesions they are born with. They carry the gene since they very fisrt sign of existance, the zygot, which is only a single cell formed by fusion of sperm and ovum. In another word, the patients are fated to die since the very first cell, how about when they are born with multiple cells with similar genetic composition? They are going to die for sure.

Genetic diseases still not enough to prove my point? Probably you may say that not everyone born with von-Hippel Lindau (VHL) or Fanconni’s anemia. Well, let me give you cancer.

Through years, it is becoming clearer and clearer that the pathogenesis of cancer basically involve mutation of two groups of gene: poto-onco genes and tumor suppression genes. The end point of the pathway is: neoplastic proliferation of cells which kill the patient.

Notice that? Proliferation.

Proliferation – mitotic replication of cells mostly – the very basic ability of human, which make us transform from a single cellular zygot to become a multicellular organism. In cancer, we are killed by the very basic ability that make us a human. Because the single cell of ourselves has the capability to do what-make-us-human, human die because of the cell, or to be more specific, the proliferation capability. Again, right here, we are born with the ability to proliferate, and we are killed by the ablity. Thus, it’s more than fair to put in a way that: we are born to die.

You might argue with me that not all oncogenic lesions that exist since birth, there are carcinogenic subctances that cause cancer. Well, you might be right, there are carcinogenic substances. But, the existance of carcinogenic substances doesn’t mean that out body should react with those things. However, instead, our DNA chose to have chemical relationship (reactions) with the carcinogenic subctancesm naturally, which results in the DNA damage that drive us to cancer. Do you realize that we (again) are born with a thing called deoxyribonucleic acids (DNA) that can react with exogenous (nonself) subcstances, and hence transformation of proto-oncogenes into oncogenes, and the damage of tumor suppression genes as well. We are born with something tht can ineveitably react with carcinogens, and then kill us.

Untill here, you might feel depressed knowing how vulnerable yourselves to death, but maybe you still see not everything that we are born with drive us to death. Immune system, you point out the defense system of our body – the good guys who protect us.

But, I say, com’on! You really believe that immune system is going to defense us? You got it all wrong. It’s just how your white blood cells react chemically to foreign hamful antigens that give us the picture that “our white blood cells are fighting against the bad guys – germs.” But, in fact, they are all just chemical reactions, that run like a signaling pathway, and “command” our white blood cells to react and eliminate the antigens. Most of the time, people are killed by infection, not because of the causative agent itself, but because of our stupid immune system reacts exaggeratly to the relatively not-so-harmful antigents. A very pure picture here is anaphylatic reaction, where our idiot immune system react to antigen that cause totally no harm to our body. Put it in another way, we are born with a troup of army (immune system) that we have been counting on them to protect us against enemy (antigens)… but the army that harbour inside us have every capability to kill us without mercy, whether it’s unintentional (e.g. septic shock), or intentional (autoimmune – e.g. my facourite lupus). Once again, while you are reading this, every vessels running in your body (including those supplying your eyes and brain for to enable you to read these words) is harbouring booms (WBCs) that going to esplode anytime. What they just need is a reason to start a war – doesn’t matter the enemy is harmful (microorganisms) or not (allergen); and they’ll do whatever it takes to explode, including killing the host – us.

Right now, it’s very clear that we are born to death. Every day we are living, we are getting closer and closer to death… the only question is when – the question that we are not being able to answer, even doctors.

Death is certain. If doctors cannot fight death away, they can’t be said that they are saving lives. Saving lives is an absolution that can never be achieved, while death is certainty.

So, as a doctors, we only treating illness – which, according to WHO, any deviation of health. But, is health really health? No. We’ll never know every single possibility of killing us beneath health. The genetics lesions, cancer cells, immune systems – they all exist even when we are in apparent health. So, it’s wrong to say that we are always being healthy.

So, you may ask what does docs do if there is really no health to be achived?

Doctors are just manipulating the chemical reactions in our body to maintain a balance with death. Death can be delayed (never prevented) with the knowledge that docs have. Through evolution, humans are using developing intelligence to try to keep death away, in medical field, specifically.

Too confusing?

Allow me to quote that there are forces in this universe.

The cartainty of death is a force that pull a life to the end of it (which basically mean death).

While doctors are another side of force that pull life away from its end. They use every knowledge hey have to pull, but they’ll never succeess. However, the safisfaction is gained in the process of pulling, not the result, because the result of this tug-of-war is always death wins.

But, how they gain safisfaction from the pull?

Back to the very beginning of this blog: the greatest certainty of life is we are going to die; the greatest uncertainty is when.

Death wins totally in the first one: the greatest certainty of life is we are going to die. But, death will never win in when. Why? Because, as doctors, we have a belief: no matter when this patient is going to die, he or she is not going to die now – not today, not this moment. Death fail to change the second uncertainty into certainty (which means now) because there are doctors there that make sure the balance of forces that death cannot always win in this game.

Sometimes, doctors loss; but sometimes, doctors win – in the particular moment when a near-death patient is arriving. Doctors can’t save lives, because lives are never meant to be saved as death is certain. But, even doctors can’t win in the end, but they can win in the moment. That’s more than enough reason to be a doctor – and that’s the reason why I’m determined to be an ER doctor – play tug-of-war with death, face-to-face, like a man!

最近

煮了杯Kenya 生产的Arabica咖啡，
点了支Dunhill fine cut的香烟，
我开始写下我的心情…

我不懂怎么为我的心情取名，
因为有点复杂，又有点单调中的特别。
所以，这篇部落格就叫《最近》吧！

最近的我笑容少了；
尽管朋友们都说我该多笑点，
但我就是笑不出来。
除了礼貌的微笑，我只想用没有表情的表情去代表我的无情。

我真的无情吗？
有时想起对关心我的人所做的事情，我真的以为我是无情的。
对爱的人所说的那些无情的话、
对家人作出的伤害、
对朋友用计谋…
我的光明渐渐被黑暗取代。

我只想自己变强点。
为了坚强，我不想让感情左右我的作风。
与其是我坚强地面对感情，不如说是我选择逃避感情。
没有任何人的牵挂，我可以把自己推向极限的边缘。
不用去管理感情的时间，我可以用时间让自己变得更强。
当我的忧郁加倍，我的就会更奋斗，让自己更麻木地忘记伤痛。

每当想起旁人无疑提起更厉害的人，
我那虚假的笑容下心想着：我一定要比那个人更厉害。
我什么时候变成这样了？

从小开始，妈就用严厉的管教告诉我不可输给堂哥的孩子。
尽管小学六年级的我已经远远超越他们了，
我的心已经不能习惯那种落在人后的感觉。

到了中学，我那流氓的外表和成绩成了强烈的对比，
人家都说：看不出你是日新的优秀生耶；
我只能无奈的笑着，口头说“没有啊”，心里却说“因为我不想输”。

又到了matriculation时代 -- 那一次，我重重的摔了一跤。
我第一次发现自己的死穴就是感情。
也许是那一年离开了熟悉的家，还有朋友；
在寂寞的诱惑下，我爱上了让自己更寂寞的她。
当寂寞变得完整时，我在爱里也沦陷得越深；
突然，寂寞分成两半时，我用了整一年的时间从爱的沦陷里慢慢爬出来。

在我颓废的大学第一学年，我大多数的时间都在自怜自艾。
每一次晚上对自己说要坚强，却在第二天在医学院的转弯处碰见她，
也让我的坚强在那一瞬间碰得碎了一地。
开始抽烟，看着燃烧的香烟袅袅升起的白烟，
觉得自己身在地狱。
逃避人群，将自己关在一个人的地狱，
我错失了很多东西…

当我发现自己错失的时候，
我已经离开了那地狱。
却已经太晚了--我的第一学年的成绩简直就是耻辱。

第二年了，我对自己发誓我一定要把失去的十倍拿回来！
所以，有了最近的我…

最近的我笑容少了。
和过去一年的我相比，我对自己的要求更严厉了。
和未爱过人的我相比，我找回不想输得感觉，而且更强烈了。
因为这样，我的笑容少了。

妈常说我是那种极端的人。
爱一个人，我总是爱到很深；
恨一个人也一样，我永远不会原谅恨的人。
我在医学院里也一样，要读，我就要读到最厉害的那个。
我不知道离“最厉害的那个”还有多远，我只是不想让人看不起。
抱着“不想让人看不起”的想法，我相信有一天我会做到！
别人怎么看我都无所谓，我只是不能让人看不起。
我的爸爸就连被他的儿子都看不起，我不想成为我爸那样。
不想像父亲一样的儿子，我知道这样有点复杂。
所以，没人了解我。

我并不怨没人了解我。
因为我的心，我不想再让任何人进来。
我的心，只有名利。
但，我答应自己不会被名利遮蒙了眼睛。
我的名利，我要以最傲人的姿势夺到手。

因此，我觉得这条医生的路，我走到很辛苦。
走得越辛苦，我流的汗越痛快。

一直到我走到我要的名利面前，
我要成为那个笑着的人，
我把我的笑容留到那时候，
所以，最近的我笑容少了。

2008年7月26日
11：47

触不到的爱情

《触不到的恋人》。
故事很简单，两个相恋的人，虽在同一个空间，但却在相隔了两年的时间。
正因为这样，很多的情节都很浪漫；
男主角在1998年在一家酒家存了一瓶酒，而女主角却在2000年的同一天收到了他的心意。
又有一幕：两人相约在一个下午散步，虽在不同的时间，但两人的甜蜜笑容仿佛爱着的那个人就在身边。
又或者，男主角到1998年的车站为了遇见1998年的她，但看到她身边的另一个人—我在想：活在一个她不爱他的时间，而爱他的她却在未来，男主角的心情是怎样的呢？
两个相爱的人面对面，却因为时间的玩弄，无法互诉爱意。

《触》这部韩国电影推出若干年后，好莱坞拍了美国版的。
演员是Keanu Reeves 和Sandra Bullock。
故事变动不多，保留了大多相同的情节；结局也当然一样。
只是故事从韩国的汉城换到了美国的Chicago；时间是2004年和2006年。

其实知道这两部电影的存在已经很久了。
中学时代迷上韩剧的时候就知道“野蛮女友”在几年前曾演过这么一部电影--《触不到的恋人》。没多久，好莱坞版的就上映了。
只是这几年都没机会一看。
直到最近，感谢网络的下载，我才有幸一睹时间差距的浪漫。

这算是非一般爱情片；没有任何主角换上绝症。
结局也让人不禁流下幸福的眼泪。
时间在这个爱情故事的意义在于“等待”。
男主角等了两年，才遇上相恋的那个她。
相恋的两人差的是时间，所以它们差的也是“等待”。

也许是我自己不愿等待，所以等待开花结果的故事特别让我有感触。
不管是约会的等待，或是等着回心转意的等待，我都不愿付出。
虽然比都懂得幸福的代价是等待，我还是不想等。
单身快一年了，我还在找着我会愿意等待的人。
朋友都劝我不要找，等待她的出现。
我想，看完这个爱情故事后，我应该停止寻觅，开始等待了吧？

In the memory of Dr. Mark Greene M.D.

Mark Greene, Dr. Greene, he is more than a doctor to anyone of us; he is more than a man to this world. Although he had been overworked and underpaid in County General ER for 10 years, he was never tired saving lives. Thousands of lives he saved throughout his brief doctor career. I guess it’s the reason of why death was so angry with him and decided to take his life away this time.

Even in the last moment of his life, he was fantasizing of intubating a passerby with sudden obstructive respiratory problem, by using bamboo. This is the Dr. Greene we know – always being creative and critical in helping people. In the trauma room, he was the one that calmest and cool no matter who was pushed in the ER on a gurney. Quick differential diagnosis and making best decision in split of moment, that’s the level of skill I’ve been chasing. It’s never exaggerated to say that, he was the general in the trauma room that lead every one of us to fight against death and his horde.

To me personally, he is a mentor, a teacher, a father. Too many things I learned from him, and I’m going to continue to learn with every memory I had with him. Part of me really wants to be like him, and part of me realizes that it’s never been easy to be like him. He was the one that make me realize what medicine is about, and what being a doctor is about. Being an ER doctor – he showed me the answer.

To the world, his death is a lost, but what he left in medicine is a tremendous mark in the world that people wouldn’t forget about him. He is the doctor.

We’ll always remember him. Even though Dr. Greene is no longer be around any corner in the ER, but we’ll practice what he taught us, and we’ll miss him for sure. These are how we are going to keep him alive in ER.

Thank you, Dr. Greene. And, rest in peace.

This is a blog dedicated to our beloved Dr. Mark Greene who died of brain tumor, in season 8 of ER. He went peacefully in Hawaii. Even he's gone, but he'll always be my inspiration to be a doctor.

The Dark Knight

There are movies which you would call them good movies. After watching, you feel happy, but watching again? No-no, you are not going to waste your time and money.

Above good movies, you call them unforgettable movies. You’ll always remember the scenes, music, and storyline of the movie; but, there are people who may disagree with you as they think it’s just an ordinary-and-not-too-bad movie.

Well, above unforgettable movies, I give you classic movies. There are just too few classical movies since my generation was born, e.g. Titanic, Lord of the Ring (trilogy) etc. Now, recently, 3 days ago, we have a new movie on the list – I proudly present to you, The Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight, probably the best comic-turn-into-movie, beatable only by its sequel, I guess. Before that, we revise the prequel, Batman Begins, was revolving how Bruce Wayne became the Batman, and the theme base on the core: how to uphold justice. As the Batman told Lt. Gordon on the roof, “It’s not about who I’m, but what I do defines me.” From there, we know that a new Batman franchise had arisen. We know that it’s going to be unlike any other Batman movies made before, which merely portray him as the hero saving a day. In this new Christopher Nolan-paired-Christian Bale Batman series, there are more dimensions in the Dark Knight’s character. More philosophy was being incorporated into the movie, like karma, violence in upholding justice, conquering fear by becoming the fear yourself etc. They remind us, Batman, at the same time being the hero of Gotham; he is also a vigilant, and a masked man who fights violence by violence. In Batman Begins, he had to kill Raza-Gul, who was also his master. It’s the first time, he learned that justice needs to pay price.

Even though I just have the chance to watch Batman Begins on DVD, after watching it, there are few philosophical points left to be pondered about. Notable quotes would include “to overcome your fear, you have to become the fear yourself” – it explained why Bruce chose the bat as his symbol of fighting against crime. Another one, of course – “It’s not about who I’m, and it’s what I do that defines me.”

Years passed by, until last year when the trailer of TDK was released. Before that, in the teaser, we heard the Joker saying “People start to die…from tonight! Haha~”. It’s the first time we listened Heath Ledger speaking as the Joker – it sounds creepy and maniac. Then, in the official trailer… we are being told of many other quotes, one of them is which I can’t stop myself from thinking of it – “Why so serious?!”

At last, on the 17th of July…Batman stomps into cinema in his Batpod!

In this very classical sequel, The Dark Knight, we can see how the dimensions of Batman are being further expanded, with the adding of philosophy, mostly about justice and crime. It’s too good in every aspect – all reviews give the movie a nearly full star rating… It’s historical achievement for any DC or Marvel comic movies can make. Evolving from how Batman Begins was a non-ordinary superhero movie, TDK successfully make it as a superhero-cum-philosophy-plus-psychological thriller movie! Never in my life time I watched a movie with so many elements in it, and yet not too burden for viewer to digest… No surprise if Hedge Ledger is nominated as the best supporting actor (posthumously), or TDK being shortlisted in Oscar best movie nomination. Being the first comic movie in such nomination…I’m wordless but only can clap my hands as audiences in the cinema hall I watched did!

Okay, even though I said the movie is not hard to digest, but it still takes me one day to really understand the ending of story. Basically, as TDK promotion showed, it’s a story on its own surrounding 3 characters: Harvey Dent (a.k.a. Two-Face), the Joker, and Bruce Wayne/Batman.
Let us start with Harvey Dent. In the beginning of the story, he was the rising star of Gotham, the District Attorney who represents the new hope for justice. Unlike Batman, he’s a hero with unmasked, and he put criminal in jails by book. As the vigilant actions of Batman has caused direct crash between violence, people of Gotham start to prefer Harvey more. Nevertheless, he has predicted his own destiny at the beginning of the story – “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.” At the end, he was turned psycho by the Joker and become the notorious Two-face in Batman story. This signifies that the fall of Gotham City’s new hope. In order to protect the city and the name of a battle-mate, Batman made the sacrifice himself. Harvey Dent didn’t have to die a villain, he, instead, died a hero. While at the same time, Batman live long enough to become a villain. People in Gotham will still believe that Harvey died as the DA who once fought against crime. It’s the belief that Batman hope it instilled among people to keep holding on justice, and not fall to the devil side. Well, I really astonished by how the story line turn about this Two-face. Christopher Nolan made a brave move to cancel out some parts in the original comic, and put the Harvey Dent/Two-face in between the war of Batman vs. Joker, just to make the movie even tensing. Parts that left out in the comic, is like the duality of Two-face (he always refer himself as “we”), his obsession of number “two”, how Two-face become a mob boss etc. But, the essential of Two-face remains: he was once Batman’s friend, and he flips coin to determine whether to kill or not. Even though viewers know he turned into Two-face, but to me, he died a hero.


Okay, now what? The Joker! What I can say about him…beyond description, I say. “This city deserves a better class of criminal, and I’m going to give them one.” The better class of criminal, referring to a criminal that commits crime just for crime, nothing more. As inspiration from the comic Batman: the killing joke, Nolan worked together with Ledger to create the new Joker, which is the best Joker forever as Ledger is not going to reprise this role forever. In TDK, the Joker is a complete contrast to Batman – he preaches chaos and anarchy. The Joker did that simply because he wants to do that. He has no motive… just like he has no identity. What he wants to achieve is merely creating a world with no rules, for sake of crime, not himself. We think of Batman fighting against crime, the only crime he can’t fight is the Joker as the Joker simply turning everything everyone around him into crime! As the Joker said to Batman (while hanging up-side-down), “unstoppable force encounter with unmovable object.” I never felt how Joker can be the arch nemesis of Batman, comparing to other villains like Penguin, Catwoman, Riddle, and Mr. Freeze etc, not until I watch TDK. The Joker only did two things to be eligible as the arch nemesis – kill Rachel (Bruce’s love) and Harvey (technically to give rise to Two-face). The fate of the Joker was unknown at the end of story, most probably being kept in Arkham Asylum. He obviously won the war by destroying Gotham’s hope – Harvey Dent. But he won for nothing, because of Batman’s sacrifice to make Harvey die a hero. But, he isn’t loose either! Remember? He commits crime for crime; he has nothing to lose!

At last, here we come the man who said “I know what I have to become to take down a man like him.” – The Batman / Bruce Wayne. At the end, he became on the wanted list of Gotham PD. He makes himself live as a villain, so the new hope of Gotham (Harvey) will forever in people heart as the hero. If it’s not of what Batman did, Harvey’s fall would probably become Joker’s victory in the psychological war as people may believe that the evil has won over the good. The Gotham people already lost their new hero, they can’t afford to lost hope anymore. “He is the hero this city deserved, but not the one this city needs”, this is how Lt. Gordon explained to his son why he has to hunt this hero down… A true hero, Batman. He fights crime, and he took the blame of crime he didn’t commit – for sake of people he has been protecting. I could feel the warmth in my eyes as Lt Gordon broke the Bat-Signal… He lost his love and friend in the battle, and the last thing he lost – the honor being a hero. He’s not a hero at the end… he turned into the protector of city at night – the Dark Knight.

In the end, here’s my deepest salute to the every cast and producers of The Dark Knight. Live long Hedge Ledger, live long Batman! The classic, that only beatable by its successor.

心情的缺口 -- 我的部落格

为什么会开个新的部落格呢？
因为旧的有点旧，每一次打开来看，都觉得有些文字很幼稚。
想开个新的，真正当个网络写手。

其实这个部落格登记有一段时间了，就只是很忙；
很多东西写了几面，模模糊糊的…睁开眼睛看回刚写的东西…
这是什么啊？真的是我写的吗？
于是常常没存入就把Words关了。
但是今天有点特别…所以，就今天吧！我告诉自己说。

今天到底有什么特别呢？
该说是情绪低落进入72小时吧…
还在努力把蓝色的忧郁挥去，写完这篇，情绪会比较好吧？

情绪低落的原因？
大概都是脑里的精神线走了短路，做了自己觉得愚蠢的事情。
为什么精神线走短路了？因为自以为是的想训练新一代的英文辩论手，结果搞得自己不够睡。
当睡眠不足时就会发生这样的事情，比如：追求一个很像林依晨的学妹，（还是认识不到半天那种…）结果人家已名花有主。（正常情况下，我是不会没有摸清底细就下手的。）
又比如：花了12块到Pavilion GSC的戏院，不是看戏，而是睡觉。（醒来时只有清洁工人和我还待在散场的戏院…）
又比如：花了18块到理发店，剪了一头不是很满意的头发…金发黑发参乱的…
又比如：郁郁的情绪驱使下，我又到7-11买了整一个月没抽的烟。
又比如：因为心情不好，乱了阅读进度的计划。（还答应自己要好好控制自己情绪）
又比如…
感觉上，自己的灵魂和肉体都在慢慢的腐烂着。

总之，就是心情超差，运气超背的一天。
择日不如撞日，就选个坏日子开始我的第一篇新的部落各。
就好像我进入医学院的那一天，和我前女友分手那样…
一切的开始都是坏的开始。
但是，重要的不是开始或结束，而是过程，不是吗？我告诉自己。

我的前女友曾经问过我，为什么会写部落格？
我想了很久，然后回答：就只想为心情找个缺口。
当我把心情化作文字，写完后的心情就好像缺了一大块，舒服很多。

到分手后，堆积的悲伤就这样一天一天的化作文字，慢慢走出黑色的日子。
到后来，每当莫名的忧郁压得我喘不过气时，就会在电脑前坐上几个小时写字。
当我把那些文字post上时，就像把忧郁的情绪post给了回忆。
有时，回忆又回把那些情绪寄回来…
那时候，我呆呆看着案上的小刀，和架上的acetaminophen。（又名paracetamol，俗名panadol，就是所谓的安眠药）
趁我的手没触及任何一者前，就在电脑键盘上飞舞着，眼睛转到一个个文字出现的荧幕上，慢慢的…一切又好多了。
所以，这里的每个文字都是一种情绪，一种感觉。
文字越多，心情的缺口越大，从心中奔驰而出的心情就越畅快。

到最近的结个月前，开始迷上Criminal Mind。
无师自通的criminology觉悟，也渐渐想写出来。
一来想试看自己究竟懂些多少；
一部分嘛…不过是想炫耀咯！
之前写的criminology文章迟些会搬到这里来。
暂时应该不会再写此类的文章吧…至少第三季推出前不会写。（大概九月吧！）

这个新的部落格和旧的部落格的成立有些差别：
1． 这里会多写些医学院里的生活 – 希望自己一直到成为医生后，还会一直在写吧！
2． 新的部落格，因为有了分类的功用，所以每次精彩的电影，我都会把它们写下。
3． 会多用些英文来写；因为criminology，medicine，和movie review用中文来写会有点困难（我的中文写formal的东西有点不伦不类），但心情、创作还是会用回中文。
4． 会至少每星期写一次；应该办得到吧！（至少我每星期到会到戏院报到至少一次。）
5． … … 没有了吧？日后可能会加些东西。

结束这第一篇新的部落格，我最后有些感慨的文字要写。
这个世界有这么多的人写blog，但blogging的年代会到什么时候呢？
我们这个年代写的东西，在网络上，不知道是真实还是虚幻…
到我们都毕业、打拼事业、成立家庭时，我们还会在写吗？
Blogging可以几年，我不知道。
但，我 知道这是一种岁月的痕迹。
我答应自己，真实的我不管走到哪里，在这个虚幻的网络我就写到哪里。

2008年7月18日 夜