Thursday, January 22, 2009

To myself

You don't know who you are after undergoing an operation called ECT. Your brain has been induced by electrical current to reach the convulsion threahold, and hence you're having amnesia because of the side effect. Don't be panic ... To know who the person in mirror really is, finish reading this:

My name is Ooi Zhi Hao, a.k.a. Reno, and I'm having bipolar. Right now, I don't remember who I was because I'm having amnesia. Doctors told me the amnesia is going to be just transient, so don't worry too much. I agreed to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) because I've been tired of trying the correct medication combination, and most of all, I want to recover fast enough so that I can function as a medical student as soon as possible.

So far, I've hardly made the decision of repeating year. It sounds scary and awful, but this seemed to be the only choice. I was advised by my psychiatrist and psychologist to take a break because I need a pit stop from the daily stress I've been handling. So, don't be desperate when the final decision comes that I've to repeat my second year.

Talking about personality, there's no better way than reading what I've been posting in this blog. Sometimes, I got to be very inspirational because of the maniac phase. Other times, I've been depressed to the point that I want to kill myself. That was me, who was suffering from bipolar. I was been convinced that ECT is going to make me better. So, ask myself now, am I gettin better after the ECT?

If the answer is yes, the way in front of me is "rebirth". Now, I can literally leave the past behind me and be another new person.

If the answer is no, the only option next is "death". I don't want to end up bipolar like other bipolar I saw ... not any chance at all. ECT is the last option ... there's no more hope after ECT.

These two paths lay in front of me is the choice I have to make. I pre-programmed myself into this way so that I can continue to live like a normal human. I'll forget about this right now, but this blog function as a reminder to remind me of doing what I promised myself to do. So, good luck.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

我出院了

出院了。
不是因为我病愈,而是因为我被逼当疯子而受够了。
我住进精神病房不是一件新事了,
很多人都是到我患上了 bipolar 的一种病。
喜怒无常,或许就是这个病的最好解释了。

我没有写些什么东西的感觉,
只是记载一下我出院了,而且也永远永远不会再回来这里了。

Sunday, January 4, 2009

我不知道

如果命运给我再一次的选择,
我会选择爱上你。
我逆着命运地爱着你的这一生,我没有后悔过。
在这里的疯人院我想了很多...
从中学开始的初恋到和你的最后之爱,
我爱的还是最后的你。

人家都回以为你是我的初恋,
但,我认为初恋是像看着爱情的预告片,
很新鲜,以为像韩剧里的情侣那样爱的死去活来,
到最后就能厮守到老。
当真正爱到高潮的时候,
发现爱情就像刺猬爱上玫瑰一样...
爱得越深越刺伤自己,
那种痛令人麻醉...令人难忘...令人兴奋,
就像鸦片一样。

说起来,我在这里的疯人院也有超过一个月的时间了。
每天都是医生告诉我还不能出院,
最坏的可能还是留级!
我真的不知道该怎么做...

其实,为什么我写下这一篇blog,我忘了,也许是因为药物的作用吧!