This is the last post of this blog.
Like I said before, there is no place of mercy for mad men like me. Once being diagnosed of a psychiatric illness, we will just be dispised by the world like lepper.
So, right now, I annouce that I'm unable to study and practice medicine anymore. I'll no longer be a doctor. So, what do I do? After much consideration...
THIS WORLD DESERVES A BETTER CLASS OF CRIMINAL, AND I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM ONE. =)
With the blessing from the darkness, I'm going to take my revenge on the world... hehehe!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
~烦~
距离我在Facebook留下“死真的可以一了百了...不错不错！”算起，
已经有二十四小时了。
我现在还是很想死--这是老实的一句话，我不想欺骗自己。
看着Facebook里的种种活动、game、quizes 之类的，我完全没有兴趣，
所以，说我在Facebook里死了，完全没有什么两样...
尽管朋友都respond劝我想开点，我却无动于衷。
这几天真的是有够烦的，就从我抽的烟看来，我的烦真的很够力...
刚刚从家乡参加葬礼回来，
又发现自己的失忆变得越来越严重（可能只是心理作用），
又越来越讨厌服饰seroquel （因为发现自己一天睡上14个小时！）...
睡越多，恶梦就越多...真是他妈的！
每次梦醒，都好想马上去死掉算了...
关于想死掉这点，我真的发誓以后不会再对医生老实地说了...
昨天当我老实对医生说后，换来的是我的S.C.C.（自杀倾向的意思）
那医生真的很欠揍！
SCC的病人是不能够走出病房半步，也意味着我不能到病房外走走！
!@#$%^%$#@#$%^
再来的是我的男护士朋友感情上有问题，
间接提醒了我自己有多么的想念静芬。
没错，我就是想念静芬！
分手快两年了，我还是想念她...忘不了她...
shit! fuck! dammit!
再来的就是发现升上大学后越来越迷失自己，身边义气的朋友好像一个都没有。
我本来就是个把义气看得比什么都重的人，选了一个不用想找到义气的科系...
真的是自己招来的，还是我前世做了太多出卖朋友的事？！
cibai! puniabo! kanasai!
写到这里，我发现自己骂了很多粗话...
反正Blog本来就是个乱写文学，怎么写都是没关系吧？
所以，继续骂！
还有的就是那个该死的Digi Broadband，说什么宽频，lanjiao啦！
现在blogging，都不懂这篇blog到底能不能成功post上去...
真的很烦！
已经有二十四小时了。
我现在还是很想死--这是老实的一句话，我不想欺骗自己。
看着Facebook里的种种活动、game、quizes 之类的，我完全没有兴趣，
所以，说我在Facebook里死了，完全没有什么两样...
尽管朋友都respond劝我想开点，我却无动于衷。
这几天真的是有够烦的，就从我抽的烟看来，我的烦真的很够力...
刚刚从家乡参加葬礼回来，
又发现自己的失忆变得越来越严重（可能只是心理作用），
又越来越讨厌服饰seroquel （因为发现自己一天睡上14个小时！）...
睡越多，恶梦就越多...真是他妈的！
每次梦醒，都好想马上去死掉算了...
关于想死掉这点，我真的发誓以后不会再对医生老实地说了...
昨天当我老实对医生说后，换来的是我的S.C.C.（自杀倾向的意思）
那医生真的很欠揍！
SCC的病人是不能够走出病房半步，也意味着我不能到病房外走走！
!@#$%^%$#@#$%^
再来的是我的男护士朋友感情上有问题，
间接提醒了我自己有多么的想念静芬。
没错，我就是想念静芬！
分手快两年了，我还是想念她...忘不了她...
shit! fuck! dammit!
再来的就是发现升上大学后越来越迷失自己，身边义气的朋友好像一个都没有。
我本来就是个把义气看得比什么都重的人，选了一个不用想找到义气的科系...
真的是自己招来的，还是我前世做了太多出卖朋友的事？！
cibai! puniabo! kanasai!
写到这里，我发现自己骂了很多粗话...
反正Blog本来就是个乱写文学，怎么写都是没关系吧？
所以，继续骂！
还有的就是那个该死的Digi Broadband，说什么宽频，lanjiao啦！
现在blogging，都不懂这篇blog到底能不能成功post上去...
真的很烦！
嫲嫲，您安息吧！
这个世界变得好灰好灰~
最亲的保姆最近去世了，而我已有足足两年没有联络过她...就连一通电话都没有。
我真的觉得自己很不孝，很没用。
不孝，是因为我连新年都没回去拜访她老人家--一个照顾了我九年的人；
没用，是因为我一个学医之人竟无法对她做些什么事情就让她离开了这个世界。
我就算两个晚上不睡觉，在她老人家的葬礼守夜了两个晚上也都弥补不了什么。
我恨自己... ...好恨好恨自己... ...
我不过是一个和她没有血缘关系的人，但她对我的恩，我今生今世都永远报答不了了...
看着她的家属在灵位前守孝，我更恨自己就连为她守孝这么简单的一回事都办不到！
从出世到九岁，她一直都把我当亲儿子般看待...但我却不能像亲儿子，或义子般为她戴孝!
我唯一能做的，就是接到噩耗后马上回大山脚...
一路向北地忍着泪水...忍着悲痛...忍着不断播放的回忆...
在她出殡的那一天，我哭了。
已经好久没那么哭了...我忘了这一次之前的我最后一次哭是什么时候了...
随着最终阻挡不了的回忆不断在脑海播放，
看着她老人家安详地躺在棺木里，
我真的哭了。
这一次的哭，不会再有她买糖果安慰我...
因为冰箱里头不会再有她从巴刹买回来的糖果、冰淇淋。
如果我不够高开到冰箱，不会再有她从厨房出来帮我取出我最爱吃的冰淇淋...
不会再有她一面用手帕为我揩泪，一面笑我爱哭爱笑，吃屎配尿...
更不会有人让我舒舒服服地躺在大腿上为我挖耳屎...
更不会有人在傍晚时分牵着我的小手到游乐园散步...
更不会有人在我被母亲鞭打得号啕大哭之后为我搽风油...
好怀念她老人家冰箱里的糖果和冰淇淋，
尤其是她偷偷瞒着母亲买给我的口香糖；
好想念那舒服的大腿和粗造的手，
尤其是她那和我一起为彩色簿里的Power Rangers上色的大手...
这些只属于我和她老人家的回忆--我一辈子都忘不了。
出殡前守夜的那个晚上，我一个晚上就抽完了一包King-sized的fine cut Dunhill。
从来我都没有抽烟抽到那么凶过...
随着袅袅上升的烟，我就这样慢慢的回忆着.
写到这里，我的眼眶又湿了。
但，怎么湿也都比不上当天我的眼泪。
一路出殡的路上，就算我的鞋子坏了，我也赤脚送她送到灵山。
可恨的是我并不是她的亲属，无法参与下葬的仪式。
看着那个棺材，里头躺着的她...我真的好想她。
就像她的女儿哭着对我说的：
“以后我们再也叫不到嫲嫲了。”
因为她的女儿也知道我也一样称呼她老人家为“嫲嫲”。
就算我九岁离开保姆家后，
每一次回去见到来开门的老人家，我总是兴奋地叫“嫲嫲！”
而她总是笑得见牙不见眼地亲切的叫着“阿Boy！”...
阿Boy这个昵称是她为我取的。
以后，如果我回到那间家，没有人再会这么叫我了...
不管怎样，您永远是我的“嫲嫲”，而我永远是您的“阿Boy”。
嫲嫲，您安息吧！
最亲的保姆最近去世了，而我已有足足两年没有联络过她...就连一通电话都没有。
我真的觉得自己很不孝，很没用。
不孝，是因为我连新年都没回去拜访她老人家--一个照顾了我九年的人；
没用，是因为我一个学医之人竟无法对她做些什么事情就让她离开了这个世界。
我就算两个晚上不睡觉，在她老人家的葬礼守夜了两个晚上也都弥补不了什么。
我恨自己... ...好恨好恨自己... ...
我不过是一个和她没有血缘关系的人，但她对我的恩，我今生今世都永远报答不了了...
看着她的家属在灵位前守孝，我更恨自己就连为她守孝这么简单的一回事都办不到！
从出世到九岁，她一直都把我当亲儿子般看待...但我却不能像亲儿子，或义子般为她戴孝!
我唯一能做的，就是接到噩耗后马上回大山脚...
一路向北地忍着泪水...忍着悲痛...忍着不断播放的回忆...
在她出殡的那一天，我哭了。
已经好久没那么哭了...我忘了这一次之前的我最后一次哭是什么时候了...
随着最终阻挡不了的回忆不断在脑海播放，
看着她老人家安详地躺在棺木里，
我真的哭了。
这一次的哭，不会再有她买糖果安慰我...
因为冰箱里头不会再有她从巴刹买回来的糖果、冰淇淋。
如果我不够高开到冰箱，不会再有她从厨房出来帮我取出我最爱吃的冰淇淋...
不会再有她一面用手帕为我揩泪，一面笑我爱哭爱笑，吃屎配尿...
更不会有人让我舒舒服服地躺在大腿上为我挖耳屎...
更不会有人在傍晚时分牵着我的小手到游乐园散步...
更不会有人在我被母亲鞭打得号啕大哭之后为我搽风油...
好怀念她老人家冰箱里的糖果和冰淇淋，
尤其是她偷偷瞒着母亲买给我的口香糖；
好想念那舒服的大腿和粗造的手，
尤其是她那和我一起为彩色簿里的Power Rangers上色的大手...
这些只属于我和她老人家的回忆--我一辈子都忘不了。
出殡前守夜的那个晚上，我一个晚上就抽完了一包King-sized的fine cut Dunhill。
从来我都没有抽烟抽到那么凶过...
随着袅袅上升的烟，我就这样慢慢的回忆着.
写到这里，我的眼眶又湿了。
但，怎么湿也都比不上当天我的眼泪。
一路出殡的路上，就算我的鞋子坏了，我也赤脚送她送到灵山。
可恨的是我并不是她的亲属，无法参与下葬的仪式。
看着那个棺材，里头躺着的她...我真的好想她。
就像她的女儿哭着对我说的：
“以后我们再也叫不到嫲嫲了。”
因为她的女儿也知道我也一样称呼她老人家为“嫲嫲”。
就算我九岁离开保姆家后，
每一次回去见到来开门的老人家，我总是兴奋地叫“嫲嫲！”
而她总是笑得见牙不见眼地亲切的叫着“阿Boy！”...
阿Boy这个昵称是她为我取的。
以后，如果我回到那间家，没有人再会这么叫我了...
不管怎样，您永远是我的“嫲嫲”，而我永远是您的“阿Boy”。
嫲嫲，您安息吧！
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I really don't know
Everyone is preparing for the final exam...what am I doing? I'm taking my time tasting Starbuck coffee and browsing internet in Times Square. There's no single part of me that qualify me as a medic student...I don't know whether I should continue my life as a medical student. My doc promised me to help me settle ... but, I really don't know.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
无题
自从做了ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)以后，发现自己变得开朗很多。
住在医院的日子不知不觉已经有三个月了。
在护士站里，就属我的fail最厚。
当然，随着病情渐渐好起来后，我的记忆也一块块地随着ECT消失。
可以说，我是失忆了。
没有什么想要写blog的心情，今天就写到这吧!
住在医院的日子不知不觉已经有三个月了。
在护士站里，就属我的fail最厚。
当然，随着病情渐渐好起来后，我的记忆也一块块地随着ECT消失。
可以说，我是失忆了。
没有什么想要写blog的心情，今天就写到这吧!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I'm done with this world
Human beings, as the self-procliamed highest existance on earth, create rules. There are laws to prevent crime. And as a homology, humans build psychiatric facility to contain people that may upset the normality and stability of society. Now, I'm one of the abnormal person expeled by my own kind of population to be kept in such facility. The reason is because there's madness within of me that the medical professions in human population call it bipolar.
Right now, I'm going to find my way getting out from here and find my own solution, which is killing myself. Nothing in this world matters anymore. This world, this society, my very own population, has abandoned me. In order to maintain the stability and sanity of human existance, I have to kill myself. I don't want myself to end up in a way that I watch in this psychiatric world everyday ... not even a chance. There's no cure to this illness. Remission is merely keeping the madness silent -- a self-denial act of the inborn madness. I'm done with all the shit!
My friends. What friends do I have anymore? I'm now a mad man with a mad mind, who only does mad things. See, madness is something unacceptable by the society. It's like a plague, and the normal action by normal human beings is to avoid the madness. Once a human being is crazy, he is no longer a human being. I had friends in the past ... but, right now, I've no friend.
My family. I never called those people my family. They may be my biological parent and sibling ...but I see no indication that I'm from this family. People who are supposed to show care and love to me, have also left me in the suffering darkness. I've no family.
The healthcare system. In medical history, there's no mercy for psychiatric patients. Being in the place of a psychiatric patient on my own, I've experienced how psychiatric patients are treated. We belong to a someway "mutated" kind of human beings. Our freedom is snatched from us by the hospital policy, again, to protect the sanity of the society. Doctors are doing just salvation work, cleaning up the mess of how madness has turned a person become. There's no hope in healcare system for people like us.
I'm done with this world.
Right now, I'm going to find my way getting out from here and find my own solution, which is killing myself. Nothing in this world matters anymore. This world, this society, my very own population, has abandoned me. In order to maintain the stability and sanity of human existance, I have to kill myself. I don't want myself to end up in a way that I watch in this psychiatric world everyday ... not even a chance. There's no cure to this illness. Remission is merely keeping the madness silent -- a self-denial act of the inborn madness. I'm done with all the shit!
My friends. What friends do I have anymore? I'm now a mad man with a mad mind, who only does mad things. See, madness is something unacceptable by the society. It's like a plague, and the normal action by normal human beings is to avoid the madness. Once a human being is crazy, he is no longer a human being. I had friends in the past ... but, right now, I've no friend.
My family. I never called those people my family. They may be my biological parent and sibling ...but I see no indication that I'm from this family. People who are supposed to show care and love to me, have also left me in the suffering darkness. I've no family.
The healthcare system. In medical history, there's no mercy for psychiatric patients. Being in the place of a psychiatric patient on my own, I've experienced how psychiatric patients are treated. We belong to a someway "mutated" kind of human beings. Our freedom is snatched from us by the hospital policy, again, to protect the sanity of the society. Doctors are doing just salvation work, cleaning up the mess of how madness has turned a person become. There's no hope in healcare system for people like us.
I'm done with this world.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
To myself
You don't know who you are after undergoing an operation called ECT. Your brain has been induced by electrical current to reach the convulsion threahold, and hence you're having amnesia because of the side effect. Don't be panic ... To know who the person in mirror really is, finish reading this:
My name is Ooi Zhi Hao, a.k.a. Reno, and I'm having bipolar. Right now, I don't remember who I was because I'm having amnesia. Doctors told me the amnesia is going to be just transient, so don't worry too much. I agreed to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) because I've been tired of trying the correct medication combination, and most of all, I want to recover fast enough so that I can function as a medical student as soon as possible.
So far, I've hardly made the decision of repeating year. It sounds scary and awful, but this seemed to be the only choice. I was advised by my psychiatrist and psychologist to take a break because I need a pit stop from the daily stress I've been handling. So, don't be desperate when the final decision comes that I've to repeat my second year.
Talking about personality, there's no better way than reading what I've been posting in this blog. Sometimes, I got to be very inspirational because of the maniac phase. Other times, I've been depressed to the point that I want to kill myself. That was me, who was suffering from bipolar. I was been convinced that ECT is going to make me better. So, ask myself now, am I gettin better after the ECT?
If the answer is yes, the way in front of me is "rebirth". Now, I can literally leave the past behind me and be another new person.
If the answer is no, the only option next is "death". I don't want to end up bipolar like other bipolar I saw ... not any chance at all. ECT is the last option ... there's no more hope after ECT.
These two paths lay in front of me is the choice I have to make. I pre-programmed myself into this way so that I can continue to live like a normal human. I'll forget about this right now, but this blog function as a reminder to remind me of doing what I promised myself to do. So, good luck.
My name is Ooi Zhi Hao, a.k.a. Reno, and I'm having bipolar. Right now, I don't remember who I was because I'm having amnesia. Doctors told me the amnesia is going to be just transient, so don't worry too much. I agreed to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) because I've been tired of trying the correct medication combination, and most of all, I want to recover fast enough so that I can function as a medical student as soon as possible.
So far, I've hardly made the decision of repeating year. It sounds scary and awful, but this seemed to be the only choice. I was advised by my psychiatrist and psychologist to take a break because I need a pit stop from the daily stress I've been handling. So, don't be desperate when the final decision comes that I've to repeat my second year.
Talking about personality, there's no better way than reading what I've been posting in this blog. Sometimes, I got to be very inspirational because of the maniac phase. Other times, I've been depressed to the point that I want to kill myself. That was me, who was suffering from bipolar. I was been convinced that ECT is going to make me better. So, ask myself now, am I gettin better after the ECT?
If the answer is yes, the way in front of me is "rebirth". Now, I can literally leave the past behind me and be another new person.
If the answer is no, the only option next is "death". I don't want to end up bipolar like other bipolar I saw ... not any chance at all. ECT is the last option ... there's no more hope after ECT.
These two paths lay in front of me is the choice I have to make. I pre-programmed myself into this way so that I can continue to live like a normal human. I'll forget about this right now, but this blog function as a reminder to remind me of doing what I promised myself to do. So, good luck.
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