Human beings, as the self-procliamed highest existance on earth, create rules. There are laws to prevent crime. And as a homology, humans build psychiatric facility to contain people that may upset the normality and stability of society. Now, I'm one of the abnormal person expeled by my own kind of population to be kept in such facility. The reason is because there's madness within of me that the medical professions in human population call it bipolar.
Right now, I'm going to find my way getting out from here and find my own solution, which is killing myself. Nothing in this world matters anymore. This world, this society, my very own population, has abandoned me. In order to maintain the stability and sanity of human existance, I have to kill myself. I don't want myself to end up in a way that I watch in this psychiatric world everyday ... not even a chance. There's no cure to this illness. Remission is merely keeping the madness silent -- a self-denial act of the inborn madness. I'm done with all the shit!
My friends. What friends do I have anymore? I'm now a mad man with a mad mind, who only does mad things. See, madness is something unacceptable by the society. It's like a plague, and the normal action by normal human beings is to avoid the madness. Once a human being is crazy, he is no longer a human being. I had friends in the past ... but, right now, I've no friend.
My family. I never called those people my family. They may be my biological parent and sibling ...but I see no indication that I'm from this family. People who are supposed to show care and love to me, have also left me in the suffering darkness. I've no family.
The healthcare system. In medical history, there's no mercy for psychiatric patients. Being in the place of a psychiatric patient on my own, I've experienced how psychiatric patients are treated. We belong to a someway "mutated" kind of human beings. Our freedom is snatched from us by the hospital policy, again, to protect the sanity of the society. Doctors are doing just salvation work, cleaning up the mess of how madness has turned a person become. There's no hope in healcare system for people like us.
I'm done with this world.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
To myself
You don't know who you are after undergoing an operation called ECT. Your brain has been induced by electrical current to reach the convulsion threahold, and hence you're having amnesia because of the side effect. Don't be panic ... To know who the person in mirror really is, finish reading this:
My name is Ooi Zhi Hao, a.k.a. Reno, and I'm having bipolar. Right now, I don't remember who I was because I'm having amnesia. Doctors told me the amnesia is going to be just transient, so don't worry too much. I agreed to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) because I've been tired of trying the correct medication combination, and most of all, I want to recover fast enough so that I can function as a medical student as soon as possible.
So far, I've hardly made the decision of repeating year. It sounds scary and awful, but this seemed to be the only choice. I was advised by my psychiatrist and psychologist to take a break because I need a pit stop from the daily stress I've been handling. So, don't be desperate when the final decision comes that I've to repeat my second year.
Talking about personality, there's no better way than reading what I've been posting in this blog. Sometimes, I got to be very inspirational because of the maniac phase. Other times, I've been depressed to the point that I want to kill myself. That was me, who was suffering from bipolar. I was been convinced that ECT is going to make me better. So, ask myself now, am I gettin better after the ECT?
If the answer is yes, the way in front of me is "rebirth". Now, I can literally leave the past behind me and be another new person.
If the answer is no, the only option next is "death". I don't want to end up bipolar like other bipolar I saw ... not any chance at all. ECT is the last option ... there's no more hope after ECT.
These two paths lay in front of me is the choice I have to make. I pre-programmed myself into this way so that I can continue to live like a normal human. I'll forget about this right now, but this blog function as a reminder to remind me of doing what I promised myself to do. So, good luck.
My name is Ooi Zhi Hao, a.k.a. Reno, and I'm having bipolar. Right now, I don't remember who I was because I'm having amnesia. Doctors told me the amnesia is going to be just transient, so don't worry too much. I agreed to undergo electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) because I've been tired of trying the correct medication combination, and most of all, I want to recover fast enough so that I can function as a medical student as soon as possible.
So far, I've hardly made the decision of repeating year. It sounds scary and awful, but this seemed to be the only choice. I was advised by my psychiatrist and psychologist to take a break because I need a pit stop from the daily stress I've been handling. So, don't be desperate when the final decision comes that I've to repeat my second year.
Talking about personality, there's no better way than reading what I've been posting in this blog. Sometimes, I got to be very inspirational because of the maniac phase. Other times, I've been depressed to the point that I want to kill myself. That was me, who was suffering from bipolar. I was been convinced that ECT is going to make me better. So, ask myself now, am I gettin better after the ECT?
If the answer is yes, the way in front of me is "rebirth". Now, I can literally leave the past behind me and be another new person.
If the answer is no, the only option next is "death". I don't want to end up bipolar like other bipolar I saw ... not any chance at all. ECT is the last option ... there's no more hope after ECT.
These two paths lay in front of me is the choice I have to make. I pre-programmed myself into this way so that I can continue to live like a normal human. I'll forget about this right now, but this blog function as a reminder to remind me of doing what I promised myself to do. So, good luck.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
我出院了
出院了。
不是因为我病愈，而是因为我被逼当疯子而受够了。
我住进精神病房不是一件新事了，
很多人都是到我患上了 bipolar 的一种病。
喜怒无常，或许就是这个病的最好解释了。
我没有写些什么东西的感觉，
只是记载一下我出院了，而且也永远永远不会再回来这里了。
不是因为我病愈，而是因为我被逼当疯子而受够了。
我住进精神病房不是一件新事了，
很多人都是到我患上了 bipolar 的一种病。
喜怒无常，或许就是这个病的最好解释了。
我没有写些什么东西的感觉，
只是记载一下我出院了，而且也永远永远不会再回来这里了。
Sunday, January 4, 2009
我不知道
如果命运给我再一次的选择，
我会选择爱上你。
我逆着命运地爱着你的这一生，我没有后悔过。
在这里的疯人院我想了很多...
从中学开始的初恋到和你的最后之爱，
我爱的还是最后的你。
人家都回以为你是我的初恋，
但，我认为初恋是像看着爱情的预告片，
很新鲜，以为像韩剧里的情侣那样爱的死去活来，
到最后就能厮守到老。
当真正爱到高潮的时候，
发现爱情就像刺猬爱上玫瑰一样...
爱得越深越刺伤自己，
那种痛令人麻醉...令人难忘...令人兴奋，
就像鸦片一样。
说起来，我在这里的疯人院也有超过一个月的时间了。
每天都是医生告诉我还不能出院，
最坏的可能还是留级！
我真的不知道该怎么做...
其实，为什么我写下这一篇blog，我忘了，也许是因为药物的作用吧！
我会选择爱上你。
我逆着命运地爱着你的这一生，我没有后悔过。
在这里的疯人院我想了很多...
从中学开始的初恋到和你的最后之爱，
我爱的还是最后的你。
人家都回以为你是我的初恋，
但，我认为初恋是像看着爱情的预告片，
很新鲜，以为像韩剧里的情侣那样爱的死去活来，
到最后就能厮守到老。
当真正爱到高潮的时候，
发现爱情就像刺猬爱上玫瑰一样...
爱得越深越刺伤自己，
那种痛令人麻醉...令人难忘...令人兴奋，
就像鸦片一样。
说起来，我在这里的疯人院也有超过一个月的时间了。
每天都是医生告诉我还不能出院，
最坏的可能还是留级！
我真的不知道该怎么做...
其实，为什么我写下这一篇blog，我忘了，也许是因为药物的作用吧！
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bipolar
I'm having bipolar. Nothing is going to change the diagnosis or fact that I'm now suffering from a psychiatric illness which I lost control of my own emotions. 1% of general population are bipolar and I'm one of the highly selected 1%. How lucky I'm.
Everything seemed so clear that why was I behaving like a mad man when involving in any relationship. Because, simply because, I'm a mad man. The madness is in my gene, in my brain, lies within the imbalance of neurotransmitters. I lost the one I love simply because the neurotransmitters are screwing with me. How pathetic I'm. It is so clear that a bipolar person is not suitable to involve in any relationship with anyone. Things will go hay wire once I'm lossing control on my emotions ... my ability to control my own emotion is so fragile and uncontrolable.
Maybe one day, I'll realise the fact that people and things around me are not gone, but they just never exist. That is the time when my illness has progress to schizophrenia. I start hearing voices, talking to myself, becoming paranoid of people might talking about me. I will find myself confined in a place which I'm convinced that it is a military facility but in fact, it is an asylum. I'm mixing with mad people everyday, confusing with reality and hallucination. I'll die by killing myself, probably because I'm convinced by voices I hear.
I'm now nobody but a mad man.
Everything seemed so clear that why was I behaving like a mad man when involving in any relationship. Because, simply because, I'm a mad man. The madness is in my gene, in my brain, lies within the imbalance of neurotransmitters. I lost the one I love simply because the neurotransmitters are screwing with me. How pathetic I'm. It is so clear that a bipolar person is not suitable to involve in any relationship with anyone. Things will go hay wire once I'm lossing control on my emotions ... my ability to control my own emotion is so fragile and uncontrolable.
Maybe one day, I'll realise the fact that people and things around me are not gone, but they just never exist. That is the time when my illness has progress to schizophrenia. I start hearing voices, talking to myself, becoming paranoid of people might talking about me. I will find myself confined in a place which I'm convinced that it is a military facility but in fact, it is an asylum. I'm mixing with mad people everyday, confusing with reality and hallucination. I'll die by killing myself, probably because I'm convinced by voices I hear.
I'm now nobody but a mad man.
Monday, November 24, 2008
我可以死吗？
我好想你...突然，就是那么措手不及地被寂寞杀得片甲不留，然后承认自己还是很想你。
习惯了想念你的心情，习惯了爱着你的情绪...
那种酸酸的感觉，又偶尔为了一首歌深深地刺到心里，完全控制不了，
这就爱着你的感觉。
不知道何时只是会想你想到掉泪，
也不能预测下一首听到的歌会让我想拿起刀往自己身上割的冲动...
看着血从一道道的伤口顺势流下，
希望和你的回忆跟着那些令人厌倦的血一起离开我的身体，离开我的人生。
但每一道新的伤口流下的都是鲜红的血，
每一次想把你忘记却每一次都是从重新开始学习把你忘记...
每次都是在被你抛弃的起点开始学习...我永远都只能原地踏步...
失恋难道是一种开始，也是结束吗？
被抛弃的人永远注定离不开失恋的起点吗？
为什么没有一道伤口可以流下血后就可以忘记你一点点呢？
看着在你身边的他比我更爱你，
我恨我自己为什么和他都爱上同一个你？
恨我自己为什么快两年了我还是那么的爱你？
想着考个烂成绩让我有离开医学院的理由，
却被天作弄...我怎么可能考到3.49的成绩？
一个完全不温习功课，考试前一天打半天电动，睡了半天觉的人，
怎么可以考到3.49？！
为什么我只是想要个离开这里的理由也不能？
为什么命运总是那么得作弄我？！
我只是想忘了你...为什么那么困难？！
那种突然想起你的痛苦，什么时候才能结束？
在医学院里，我已经自我隔离，就是为了不想听到你的消息，
为什么我只是想一个人看电影都会看到你和他出街拍拖的出现在我眼前？
两年来，我以为再多三年，我们就可以从头来过...
没想到就这么崩溃了...
我真的崩溃了。
我可以死吗？
习惯了想念你的心情，习惯了爱着你的情绪...
那种酸酸的感觉，又偶尔为了一首歌深深地刺到心里，完全控制不了，
这就爱着你的感觉。
不知道何时只是会想你想到掉泪，
也不能预测下一首听到的歌会让我想拿起刀往自己身上割的冲动...
看着血从一道道的伤口顺势流下，
希望和你的回忆跟着那些令人厌倦的血一起离开我的身体，离开我的人生。
但每一道新的伤口流下的都是鲜红的血，
每一次想把你忘记却每一次都是从重新开始学习把你忘记...
每次都是在被你抛弃的起点开始学习...我永远都只能原地踏步...
失恋难道是一种开始，也是结束吗？
被抛弃的人永远注定离不开失恋的起点吗？
为什么没有一道伤口可以流下血后就可以忘记你一点点呢？
看着在你身边的他比我更爱你，
我恨我自己为什么和他都爱上同一个你？
恨我自己为什么快两年了我还是那么的爱你？
想着考个烂成绩让我有离开医学院的理由，
却被天作弄...我怎么可能考到3.49的成绩？
一个完全不温习功课，考试前一天打半天电动，睡了半天觉的人，
怎么可以考到3.49？！
为什么我只是想要个离开这里的理由也不能？
为什么命运总是那么得作弄我？！
我只是想忘了你...为什么那么困难？！
那种突然想起你的痛苦，什么时候才能结束？
在医学院里，我已经自我隔离，就是为了不想听到你的消息，
为什么我只是想一个人看电影都会看到你和他出街拍拖的出现在我眼前？
两年来，我以为再多三年，我们就可以从头来过...
没想到就这么崩溃了...
我真的崩溃了。
我可以死吗？
Saturday, November 15, 2008
我真的那么令我自己都害怕吗？
我是用还在颤抖的手在键盘上打下这篇文章。
我到现在还不敢相信30分钟前我干下的事...
这件事开始于我在Facebook发现有位coursemate的shouout:
"I passed the exam!"
下了一跳！难道考试成绩出了？！
第一个念头就是发sms问一问...
结果，很不幸得，果真如我所料。
在只剩我一人的空荡荡apartment里走来走去，坐立不安...
时间已经是晚上2330了。
我突然念头一闪，换了衣服，拿了钥匙和学生证就往门外走。
对了！我就是要到campus看成绩！
Campus的距离离我的住处只有5分钟的行走距离。
了解我的人都知道我是的没耐心的人。
若等到明天再到campus，我今晚一定是睡不着的。
不管成绩如何，好歹也让我今晚或安心或伤心地入睡吧！
问题就是campus在2000时后就不再让人进入。
要知道这里国大医学院的academic office还是传统地把牺牲树木把成绩登在布告栏纸上。
上网我都试过了，结果是（意料中网站画面）masalah sistem无法查询。
所以，夜闯campus并不能完全是我的错咯！
一面走在暗昏昏的街上，我就一面让自己呼吸急促，
心跳加速...
加快速度让自己流多点汗...
到了campus的 guard house，我出示我的学生证，
一副焦虑的样子，说：
saya nak masuk dalam cari dompet saya yang hilang
不用费多少功夫，自以为自己高高在上的guard很容易的就相信了。
（这就是典型UKM guards）
他用对讲机说了一些话后就让我一人在空无一人的campus里“找我遗失的钱包”。
有时候，最烂的借口也许就是最好的借口。
再加上我那天衣无缝的演技....
我果然是犯罪的料啊！
我用随身带的handtorch照亮前路在漆黑黑的Block E里找到我要的布告栏。
这并不是一件简单的事，因为全Block E 里有三个布告栏在不同的两曾楼。
而且要避开随时巡查的警卫。
（因为我应该在“遗失钱包的图书馆locker"找着）
这可不是简单的任务啊！
犯罪天才的我找到了我夜闯UKM campus的目的...呼了口气...
我还是及格了。
我不敢相信...我看了三次然后匆匆转身就走。
我离开那布告栏2米后，我再转身看了布告栏，
看了三次后才决定我的眼睛没问题后，
才转身匆匆一副赶到图书馆前（两栋建筑物的距离）的样子。
还好到这时候才碰到警卫。
他那关心的样子让我觉得...
唉~如果我真的是个小偷的话，实验室里的东西就完蛋了。
最后我装着一副快哭出来的样子到 guard house 拿回我的学生证，
那个自以为很了不起的 guard 还劝不懂处理状况的我到警察局报案。（当老子白痴啊！）
只好对道德说对不起啦！
我对这里的警卫本来就没有好感...
尤其上次出纸罚我50块的那只。（因为我没把学生证套在颈上）
说起来我为什么那么在意这次的成绩...
因为我在温习周里颓废崩溃了一个星期。（50%的温习周时间）
每次进考场前我都在忧郁地听着耳机，
甚至在考 urinary system 的前一天到 Time Square 的 Arcade drift 到过瘾了一个下午，
回到房间后随手翻了Anatomy 20分钟就躺在床上死到第二天的天亮
-- 我可是睡了12个小时哦！
在我考一张我之前完全没有温习过的 paper 前...
更屌的是我在考试时间结束的25分钟前就离开考场了。
我真的只用了20%的力气来考这次的final，
我及格了...?!
这是什么道理啊？！
说真的，我对自己的能力感到....
害怕？
不管是我在学业上的能力，还是我那与天俱来的犯罪智慧。
我真的那么令我自己都害怕吗？
我到现在还不敢相信30分钟前我干下的事...
这件事开始于我在Facebook发现有位coursemate的shouout:
"I passed the exam!"
下了一跳！难道考试成绩出了？！
第一个念头就是发sms问一问...
结果，很不幸得，果真如我所料。
在只剩我一人的空荡荡apartment里走来走去，坐立不安...
时间已经是晚上2330了。
我突然念头一闪，换了衣服，拿了钥匙和学生证就往门外走。
对了！我就是要到campus看成绩！
Campus的距离离我的住处只有5分钟的行走距离。
了解我的人都知道我是的没耐心的人。
若等到明天再到campus，我今晚一定是睡不着的。
不管成绩如何，好歹也让我今晚或安心或伤心地入睡吧！
问题就是campus在2000时后就不再让人进入。
要知道这里国大医学院的academic office还是传统地把牺牲树木把成绩登在布告栏纸上。
上网我都试过了，结果是（意料中网站画面）masalah sistem无法查询。
所以，夜闯campus并不能完全是我的错咯！
一面走在暗昏昏的街上，我就一面让自己呼吸急促，
心跳加速...
加快速度让自己流多点汗...
到了campus的 guard house，我出示我的学生证，
一副焦虑的样子，说：
saya nak masuk dalam cari dompet saya yang hilang
不用费多少功夫，自以为自己高高在上的guard很容易的就相信了。
（这就是典型UKM guards）
他用对讲机说了一些话后就让我一人在空无一人的campus里“找我遗失的钱包”。
有时候，最烂的借口也许就是最好的借口。
再加上我那天衣无缝的演技....
我果然是犯罪的料啊！
我用随身带的handtorch照亮前路在漆黑黑的Block E里找到我要的布告栏。
这并不是一件简单的事，因为全Block E 里有三个布告栏在不同的两曾楼。
而且要避开随时巡查的警卫。
（因为我应该在“遗失钱包的图书馆locker"找着）
这可不是简单的任务啊！
犯罪天才的我找到了我夜闯UKM campus的目的...呼了口气...
我还是及格了。
我不敢相信...我看了三次然后匆匆转身就走。
我离开那布告栏2米后，我再转身看了布告栏，
看了三次后才决定我的眼睛没问题后，
才转身匆匆一副赶到图书馆前（两栋建筑物的距离）的样子。
还好到这时候才碰到警卫。
他那关心的样子让我觉得...
唉~如果我真的是个小偷的话，实验室里的东西就完蛋了。
最后我装着一副快哭出来的样子到 guard house 拿回我的学生证，
那个自以为很了不起的 guard 还劝不懂处理状况的我到警察局报案。（当老子白痴啊！）
只好对道德说对不起啦！
我对这里的警卫本来就没有好感...
尤其上次出纸罚我50块的那只。（因为我没把学生证套在颈上）
说起来我为什么那么在意这次的成绩...
因为我在温习周里颓废崩溃了一个星期。（50%的温习周时间）
每次进考场前我都在忧郁地听着耳机，
甚至在考 urinary system 的前一天到 Time Square 的 Arcade drift 到过瘾了一个下午，
回到房间后随手翻了Anatomy 20分钟就躺在床上死到第二天的天亮
-- 我可是睡了12个小时哦！
在我考一张我之前完全没有温习过的 paper 前...
更屌的是我在考试时间结束的25分钟前就离开考场了。
我真的只用了20%的力气来考这次的final，
我及格了...?!
这是什么道理啊？！
说真的，我对自己的能力感到....
害怕？
不管是我在学业上的能力，还是我那与天俱来的犯罪智慧。
我真的那么令我自己都害怕吗？
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