说好的幸福呢

爱上不该爱的人，
我真的痛了。
爱上她时，我不懂自己爱的多深；
原来爱的深浅是当爱过后的痛来了解的...
我真的深深的懂了...当我痛到不能自己的这一刻，
我懂一个男人一旦不顾后果的爱上一女人，
哭得时候会比女人还惨。

不懂是周杰伦了解我，
还是方文山太懂我，
《说好的幸福呢》完完全全是我的爱情写照。

爱一个换一个，
我曾经爱得那么潇洒，
没想到我也会有这么的一天。

痛...真的真的很痛。
我不懂谁能拯救我。
抗忧郁药换了两次，
心理医生看了三个，
也医不好一次爱一个人的那一种痛。

一年半来辛辛苦苦告诉自己为什么要当医生，
只需要一首4分钟17秒的歌来否认一切。

用心理学角度，
我现在的感觉完全是self-fulling prophercy；
用药剂学的角度，
只要我服用SSRI就能不再犹豫...
为什么我还是那么的痛呢？

怎么呢？你累了。
说好的幸福呢？

你不等了，说好的幸福呢？

我每天都因为要让你看见我地努力着，
一个人背负着做一般的梦继续向说好的幸福的方向攀爬...
一起要当医生，一起浪迹天涯行医...
剩我一人...
让时间经过，错过你的时间慢慢的累积，
我痛苦的过着每一天...
我都忍，干了的泪流了又流...
手上的伤一道道的流着血，
结疤后又割...要提醒自己这种痛。

我会继续作个医生，
而且是很厉害的那个，
人人羡慕的那个，
就连你都很难不注意我的那个...

我会一个人站在我们曾说好的幸福终点站，
然后，我会问你：说好的幸福呢？

黑暗

当夜晚将这个城市披上黑色外套，

路灯渐渐取代阳光...好让这个都市继续呼吸。

每一条小巷，每一道街，人来人往地走着各色各样的人...

有的人过了快乐的一天、有些人不幸地忧郁了一天...

更多的是那些不管过了是快乐还是忧郁的一天，他们在乎的是此时此刻走在身边的爱人。

只要和爱的人呼吸着同一空间的空气，也能觉得很幸福。

无奈，我已经忘记幸福的味道。

配在我身边的不是爱，而是寂寞。

每一个夜里，我的阳光却不能被路灯取代。

就算走在光天化日的街上，我的心还是黑暗的。

活在你死我活的白色巨塔 -- 没有阶梯的塔 -- 往上爬的唯一办法就是踩着脚下的人。

踩在脚下的人越多，就能爬得越高。

等到爬到塔的顶端，你就赢了。

浴在塔顶的阳光，你会觉得很轻松...因为你已经失去了生命的所有东西。

不知道什么开始，生命开始用名利和我交换人性。

失去所有的东西，我也要看到塔顶的阳光。

我只知道我一定要赢 -- 不惜任何代价！

Lambs, lions, and men

I want to believe that my life is meant for something, something big, something great...something that can have profound change to this world. Thus, I'm always dreaming, because dreaming is the only way where you'll almost believe that your belief can become truth. But, after dreaming, welcome back to the realistic world where thing always goes the opposite way of your belief. Life is sucks!

Since my secondary school life, I've started to begins my dreaming journey. I dreamed of being a detective...or the opposite side, I want to become a criminal mastermind. Sounds weird, right? Because, I believe that crime is an art. Both detective and criminals practice and refine thier art in crime. It's the art of crime I was aspirating, not the role. So, I was so abssessed about criminology ar that time. My mentors are Japanese detective manga and, of course, Sherlock Holmes. In a way, I feel that the story of Sherlock Holmes is complete only because of the existance of his nemesis, Prof. Mourrie (I forget the actual spelling), who ruled the crime world of 18th century London. In a word, I believe that you either change the world by creating justice via vigillance, or you create anarchy by choas.

But, one day, I woke up and realize that I'll be neither great detective nor criminal mastermind... stop and stare...I'm among animals in this medical school of UKM.

How did I end up here? Long story... and heartbreaking. Everything happens for reasons. I keep on telling myself...keep holding on. Because, in reality, I'm just a medical student. My books are all medical books, and detctive stories are all dusted in store room. I'm going to walk around with sthetoscope, not a gun... dreams really make reality even sucks more.

It's always been competition in medical school. People trying to beat each other in PBL, assessments, and examinations... There's no place for weak ones here. It's a lion fight.

Am I a lion? Sometimes, I ask myself. I hate competition, and yet, I'm born to be a competitive person. Involving in a fight for honor and rankings is never what I want, and it is, and it'll always be where I'm going to be. There's no difference in this medical school and war in lion fight. YOU CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE. Trusting people are like suicide, especially friends -- they are enemies / competitors who masked under friendship, approach you, and stab you at your back. So, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER TRUST PEOPLE. Trust no one.

I'm not the best, at least currently, I tell myself. I'm a detective/criminal who fall from his dream, and end up in this ugly lion fight. I faced a twist in my life, because fate and destiny are screwing with me. They are fucking screwing with me by trying to make me a victim among the animals in medical school...I'M NOT GOING TO BE ONE! And now, I realize that, I need to screw them back. I'm not lambs for those lions, and neither I'm going to turn myself into one fucking lion. I'm going to be a MAN.

I shall remind myself that I'll keep on being a man, and I'm not going to be any animal, and of course, not the fucking lion. Lions may be fooled that men are like lambs, and I'm going to make them realize that they are men can kill lions. I might be the only human being among those lions, but loneliness and depression will make me stronger, I believe. This time, I belive in reality, not dream.

31st Jul 2008 05:48
Lost and found my direction again in this morning when I woke up in purposelessness. Life sucks, but I'll be stronger!

Docs can't save lives

We are born to die. Simple, death exist because birth is there. Without birth, there’s no death.

My master once told me a story, which I can’t hardly recall because it has been years ago. But, I still remember the conclusion of the story: the greatest uncertainty of life is when we are going to die; while the greatest certainty in life is we are going to die for sure.

Contemplate that you are going to die, every day first thing in the morning. My master told me.

Nevertheless, I abandoned my contemplation since I been too busy to study till I realized I’ve been far away from what my master taught me in Buddhism.

Today, I told a friend in MSN: we, as doctors, are just treating “illness”, it’s never about saving “lives”. Men are born to be death, thus it’s contrast for men to be gifted the ability to fight against death totally. Saving lives is just bullshit, but noble way of saying to be a doctor.

The key element here is: doctors are just treating illnesses, we can’t save lives.

And, here, I’m going to use medical points of views to prove that people are born to be death. We, as doctors in the future, are going to only treat illnesses, but death is certain.

To begin, let us contemplate of some genetic diseases. It’s too obvious that patients who are born with those genetic defects are going to die for sure. No matter whether it’s a single DNA substituition, or chromosomal aneuploidy, those patients are going to be killed by the genetic lesions they are born with. They carry the gene since they very fisrt sign of existance, the zygot, which is only a single cell formed by fusion of sperm and ovum. In another word, the patients are fated to die since the very first cell, how about when they are born with multiple cells with similar genetic composition? They are going to die for sure.

Genetic diseases still not enough to prove my point? Probably you may say that not everyone born with von-Hippel Lindau (VHL) or Fanconni’s anemia. Well, let me give you cancer.

Through years, it is becoming clearer and clearer that the pathogenesis of cancer basically involve mutation of two groups of gene: poto-onco genes and tumor suppression genes. The end point of the pathway is: neoplastic proliferation of cells which kill the patient.

Notice that? Proliferation.

Proliferation – mitotic replication of cells mostly – the very basic ability of human, which make us transform from a single cellular zygot to become a multicellular organism. In cancer, we are killed by the very basic ability that make us a human. Because the single cell of ourselves has the capability to do what-make-us-human, human die because of the cell, or to be more specific, the proliferation capability. Again, right here, we are born with the ability to proliferate, and we are killed by the ablity. Thus, it’s more than fair to put in a way that: we are born to die.

You might argue with me that not all oncogenic lesions that exist since birth, there are carcinogenic subctances that cause cancer. Well, you might be right, there are carcinogenic substances. But, the existance of carcinogenic substances doesn’t mean that out body should react with those things. However, instead, our DNA chose to have chemical relationship (reactions) with the carcinogenic subctancesm naturally, which results in the DNA damage that drive us to cancer. Do you realize that we (again) are born with a thing called deoxyribonucleic acids (DNA) that can react with exogenous (nonself) subcstances, and hence transformation of proto-oncogenes into oncogenes, and the damage of tumor suppression genes as well. We are born with something tht can ineveitably react with carcinogens, and then kill us.

Untill here, you might feel depressed knowing how vulnerable yourselves to death, but maybe you still see not everything that we are born with drive us to death. Immune system, you point out the defense system of our body – the good guys who protect us.

But, I say, com’on! You really believe that immune system is going to defense us? You got it all wrong. It’s just how your white blood cells react chemically to foreign hamful antigens that give us the picture that “our white blood cells are fighting against the bad guys – germs.” But, in fact, they are all just chemical reactions, that run like a signaling pathway, and “command” our white blood cells to react and eliminate the antigens. Most of the time, people are killed by infection, not because of the causative agent itself, but because of our stupid immune system reacts exaggeratly to the relatively not-so-harmful antigents. A very pure picture here is anaphylatic reaction, where our idiot immune system react to antigen that cause totally no harm to our body. Put it in another way, we are born with a troup of army (immune system) that we have been counting on them to protect us against enemy (antigens)… but the army that harbour inside us have every capability to kill us without mercy, whether it’s unintentional (e.g. septic shock), or intentional (autoimmune – e.g. my facourite lupus). Once again, while you are reading this, every vessels running in your body (including those supplying your eyes and brain for to enable you to read these words) is harbouring booms (WBCs) that going to esplode anytime. What they just need is a reason to start a war – doesn’t matter the enemy is harmful (microorganisms) or not (allergen); and they’ll do whatever it takes to explode, including killing the host – us.

Right now, it’s very clear that we are born to death. Every day we are living, we are getting closer and closer to death… the only question is when – the question that we are not being able to answer, even doctors.

Death is certain. If doctors cannot fight death away, they can’t be said that they are saving lives. Saving lives is an absolution that can never be achieved, while death is certainty.

So, as a doctors, we only treating illness – which, according to WHO, any deviation of health. But, is health really health? No. We’ll never know every single possibility of killing us beneath health. The genetics lesions, cancer cells, immune systems – they all exist even when we are in apparent health. So, it’s wrong to say that we are always being healthy.

So, you may ask what does docs do if there is really no health to be achived?

Doctors are just manipulating the chemical reactions in our body to maintain a balance with death. Death can be delayed (never prevented) with the knowledge that docs have. Through evolution, humans are using developing intelligence to try to keep death away, in medical field, specifically.

Too confusing?

Allow me to quote that there are forces in this universe.

The cartainty of death is a force that pull a life to the end of it (which basically mean death).

While doctors are another side of force that pull life away from its end. They use every knowledge hey have to pull, but they’ll never succeess. However, the safisfaction is gained in the process of pulling, not the result, because the result of this tug-of-war is always death wins.

But, how they gain safisfaction from the pull?

Back to the very beginning of this blog: the greatest certainty of life is we are going to die; the greatest uncertainty is when.

Death wins totally in the first one: the greatest certainty of life is we are going to die. But, death will never win in when. Why? Because, as doctors, we have a belief: no matter when this patient is going to die, he or she is not going to die now – not today, not this moment. Death fail to change the second uncertainty into certainty (which means now) because there are doctors there that make sure the balance of forces that death cannot always win in this game.

Sometimes, doctors loss; but sometimes, doctors win – in the particular moment when a near-death patient is arriving. Doctors can’t save lives, because lives are never meant to be saved as death is certain. But, even doctors can’t win in the end, but they can win in the moment. That’s more than enough reason to be a doctor – and that’s the reason why I’m determined to be an ER doctor – play tug-of-war with death, face-to-face, like a man!