One step at a time

One step at a time.
I tell myself. There's no room for me to allow myself to be influenced by depression, nor my judgement clouded by negative emotion. I must study hard and be the one. In order to achieve that, I realise that I need to stay tough ... keeping myself from falling apart, no matter what the challenges are.

Indeed, I'm trying to clear myself from the effects of escitalopram -- altered personality. It is all because I just resume a therapy after a hiatus of 10 days. Everything need to restart, even the effects of the drugs ... and I'm now suffering severer altered personality since commenced my drug in the afternoon today. I need to stay clear and calm ... even this altered personality is making me weak and vulnerable ... but, this is part of the treatment itself. I keep telling myself it's the escitalopram is making trick with serotonin in my brain...it's not me. Once the serotonin fluctuation trick is over, I'll be fine - even better than the begining of my treatment. So, stay clear and clam ... and plan carefully, Reno.

Now, first part of my plan, identify what side effects I'm suffering from escitalopram
1. Nausea and lost of apetite
2. Dizziness and lightheadness
3. Rebound depression
4. Lost of libido
5. Daytime somnolence
6. Lost of interest in everything

Those are the drugs, not me. I'm now clearer of that. I sufferred that before when the first time I start on escitalopram. They all will be over in days. In the coming days, I should not let those negative side effects predominant in my live ... I'm the owner of my life, not you, escitalopram.

With this, I proceed to the next step in planing: what do I need to do?
1. Resume pathology on glomerular diseases of kidney and so on
2. Leave the footnotes from lecture notes to be reviewed during revision
3. Stay clear and sharp to attend Medicine and Society mini test tomorrow
4. Start revision of module 1 from tomorrow night

I satisfy with my list of thing-to-do of tomorrow. I feel better. No worry, but stay focus that I must make sure myself ahead of others ... and I should keep reminding myself that I study for sake of understanding, not speed. So, with this moment of depression attack, I couldn't pull myself together to read more, so, I choose to rest, watch a movie or whatever ... even if I study right now, it would be a disrespect to the art of medicine ... I'm not in the fit form of reading ... take a break, Reno.

Now, what was making me angry just now?
The stupid self-learning notes of tubular functions, produced by asshole physio lecturer

Do I need to angry?
No

What my pass experience that can help me to cope with this problem?
My analytical and collaboration ability. So, I was angry because I was influenced by the transient moment of frustration over some asshole's work...which I shouln't be. I could make a picture of acute kidney failure and chronic kidney disease from 3 books and digest them as one ... so, I can make the fucking tubulat function lecture notes to be corporated into my current understanding of tubular function. The only additional things in the notes are:
1. mention of principal cell and intercalated cells of collecting tubules
2. ...
that's it. I was frustrated because I never meet those terms before. The other part about proportion of reabsorption and regulation ... It is exactly what I undersatnd from Sherwood. So, don't worry, I'll sort out functions of I and P cells of collecting tubules when making revision. Somemore, the function is differently described in different book, could be just a trivia. The pathophysiology and regulation of kidney function is much more important.

Now, I'm clear of what was happening. It's just the drug effects. I still have my ability to analyse the situation ... and I should live with my ability. But, right now, I can't fight the central effects of escitalopram ... retreating but not give up. I need a rest.

One step at a time, Reno.