My Way

Shit!

What a good word to start this blog. Shit because I spend two days in revising anemia, which was only one hour lecture + two hour MES (meet expert session). Shit! (again)

Why was I spending so many time? After comparing what I read from books with lectuer notes ... it's like comparing a kindergarden maths exercise and a pre-U one. What the fuck! Isn't that medical school suppose to train doctors who are going to save some lives in future? And this is the fucking lecture notes and are going to teach these bunch of people to handle lives of people in future. Well done, Dr Azma from UKM! (Okay, I confessed that I missed the lecture because I was sick that day, though part of me intentionally...)

It is making me wonder: whether all I'm doing right now worth? I have been puting so much effort persuing a different path from others. While others are making lecture notes thier bible, I'm struggling to understand text from a 1.5 kg pathology which is only secondary source for others. Other people's lecture notes are beautifully highlighted and jotting foot notes in every corners, mine are as clean as unsed toilet wipe (this metaphore is just intend to make more sense how I feel lecture notes are nothing more useful than a toilet wipe). The keyword of survial in UKM Medic: DIGEST YOUR LECTURE NOTES and you'll pass the exam. This is a proven fact seeing how my friend was making diagnosis of the last question based on excluding other already-choosen disease in lecture notes. (What a good way to save lives!). But, I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE! (quoted from WALL-E). That's why I have been choosing different path from others... the question now is: is this all worth?

Doubts and uncertainties are always exist in no matter which path I would have choosen. Time is allocated equally for every contestors in this Medic game. If I'm going to walk on this path I chose, I need to work harder to reach to the same progression as others. This is like a gamble because the final is just in less than one month. After all the humiliation of first year, I'm not going to humiliate myself more. Back to the same question: is it worth what I'm doing right now? Neglecting lecture notes and reading mostly textbooks? ... ... (moment of silence) Out of sudden, I think about a shoutout which I wrote on my MSN two years ago (I don't know why my memory still so clear about this)... ...exactly the night when I decided to reject matriculation offer (but in the end, I still went there and experienced a hell of life)... the shoutout was (not is) the reason why I wanted (not want) to stay in Form 6:

A person who follow the crowd will never be the person.

I tell myself again tonight, "A person who follow the crowd will never be the person". That was the Zhi Hao I was in secondary school. I lost myself during matriculation, and I need to find myself back. This path of becoming a doctor is about finding myself again and continue the principle of my life before I gave up two years ago and let myself deteriorate in matriculation. Becoming THE person. There's no replay or restart in this non-return life. I had two options: follow the crowd or be THE person. (Note that I use "had") I already made my choice, I want to be THE person. For once and the last time of my life, I want to be THE doctor, and not a doctor like others. This is the difference of me from others, and my path as well.

Life keeps screwing with me. Being born in a broken family, entering matriculation, poverty ... My shrink told me that all my background have been working synergically to contribute to my depression today. Growing under the best medium of cultivating depression, how can't I not develop depression. I've been having depressional breakdown since I graduated from matriculation (thanks to my triggering factor ex-girlfriend). I'm not going to let life screwing with me. Fuck the life! Screw the fate! I'll be THE person.

It doesn't matter whether I can achieve it or not. Because the worst scenario is: I die with the dream just steps away from me. I rather die this way than never begin step my foor on path to be special. Even if the worst case, I wouldn't just merely die, I die HARDER.

I think I can answer my doubt of the worthness of my current effort right now. It is not the matter whether it's worth or the other way. This is the matter that I have nothing to loose. If I follow the crowd and read the lecture notes, I lost many important things, top of the list: the ability of making differential diagnosis as a doctor, and the opportunity to be special as an ordinary human beings. Conversely, I lost nothing if I work harder (and die harder) and read the textbooks. The conclusion is: I have nothing to loose, so, continue what I have started these two days -- screw the lecture notes and read the textbooks.

Before I continue to work on digesting "bleedind diatheses", here are some quotes that I want to tell myself tonight and share:

做医生，就要当第一的医生；因为没有病人会想把生命交给第二第三的医生。
-- 蓝泽耕作《Code Blue》（日剧）

被嘲笑的梦想才有被实践的价值；即使跌到了，姿势也会很豪迈。
-- 九把刀 （台湾作家）

A person who follow the crowd will never be the person
-- Reno

Hence, the name of my blog -- My Doc Path.