Lambs, lions, and men

I want to believe that my life is meant for something, something big, something great...something that can have profound change to this world. Thus, I'm always dreaming, because dreaming is the only way where you'll almost believe that your belief can become truth. But, after dreaming, welcome back to the realistic world where thing always goes the opposite way of your belief. Life is sucks!

Since my secondary school life, I've started to begins my dreaming journey. I dreamed of being a detective...or the opposite side, I want to become a criminal mastermind. Sounds weird, right? Because, I believe that crime is an art. Both detective and criminals practice and refine thier art in crime. It's the art of crime I was aspirating, not the role. So, I was so abssessed about criminology ar that time. My mentors are Japanese detective manga and, of course, Sherlock Holmes. In a way, I feel that the story of Sherlock Holmes is complete only because of the existance of his nemesis, Prof. Mourrie (I forget the actual spelling), who ruled the crime world of 18th century London. In a word, I believe that you either change the world by creating justice via vigillance, or you create anarchy by choas.

But, one day, I woke up and realize that I'll be neither great detective nor criminal mastermind... stop and stare...I'm among animals in this medical school of UKM.

How did I end up here? Long story... and heartbreaking. Everything happens for reasons. I keep on telling myself...keep holding on. Because, in reality, I'm just a medical student. My books are all medical books, and detctive stories are all dusted in store room. I'm going to walk around with sthetoscope, not a gun... dreams really make reality even sucks more.

It's always been competition in medical school. People trying to beat each other in PBL, assessments, and examinations... There's no place for weak ones here. It's a lion fight.

Am I a lion? Sometimes, I ask myself. I hate competition, and yet, I'm born to be a competitive person. Involving in a fight for honor and rankings is never what I want, and it is, and it'll always be where I'm going to be. There's no difference in this medical school and war in lion fight. YOU CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE. Trusting people are like suicide, especially friends -- they are enemies / competitors who masked under friendship, approach you, and stab you at your back. So, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER TRUST PEOPLE. Trust no one.

I'm not the best, at least currently, I tell myself. I'm a detective/criminal who fall from his dream, and end up in this ugly lion fight. I faced a twist in my life, because fate and destiny are screwing with me. They are fucking screwing with me by trying to make me a victim among the animals in medical school...I'M NOT GOING TO BE ONE! And now, I realize that, I need to screw them back. I'm not lambs for those lions, and neither I'm going to turn myself into one fucking lion. I'm going to be a MAN.

I shall remind myself that I'll keep on being a man, and I'm not going to be any animal, and of course, not the fucking lion. Lions may be fooled that men are like lambs, and I'm going to make them realize that they are men can kill lions. I might be the only human being among those lions, but loneliness and depression will make me stronger, I believe. This time, I belive in reality, not dream.

31st Jul 2008 05:48
Lost and found my direction again in this morning when I woke up in purposelessness. Life sucks, but I'll be stronger!